Turtle's Shell

Blarg

2010-02-01T13:01:00.002-05:00

So, Hoggetowne was pretty much a miserable weekend. Day one was rainy all day and the crowd was sparse, at best. Day two brought sunshine but the temp dropped considerably. Well, at least the crowds were better. Next weekend will be a lot better - I hope...

All in all, it wasn't too bad, but my feet are aching and the blisters hurt... Shouldn't be any big deal, but, being diabetic, I'll need to keep a close eye on them.

And to top it all off, the van decided to act up this morning. Yay. The battery died last week, and I was hoping that'd be the last of the troubles for a while, but nooooooo. It was not running well at all, and then cut out completely on my way to work. I managed to get into the Mickey D's parking lot, so that was a plus. It didn't want to start at all. It would crank, but not turn over. A gentleman coming out of McD's suggested that it must have gotten wet, from all the rain, and suggested I try spraying ether into the air filter.

Well, after a fairly decent walk to the nearest gas station and back, I sprayed the stuff into the filter, but didn't hold out much hope. It stuttered and puttered, but eventually caught, and I was able to make it into work, albeit 40 minutes late...

I'm really, really, really hoping that the moisture is all it was, as a new vehicle is just not in the budget right now. Hell, an old clunker is not in the budget.

Please send a prayer to the vehicle gods for me, that this PoS lasts another 9 months or so... Thanks!

The Knave Abideth

2010-01-07T10:41:00.002-05:00

Yet another entry from the "too much time on their hands" file... For those who hold an appreciation for the finer arts, such as The Bard, as well as other goodly offerings, like that of the Coen Brothers movies... What would it be like if William Shakespeare wrote "The Big Lebowski?

This is just too rich!

Bah, Humbug

2009-12-12T12:43:00.002-05:00

So, last night was my company holiday party. It was held at the Reitz Union Ballroom at UF, and was kind of nice. The food wasn't as good as in years past, but it is a different venue. We outgrew the old one.

The highlight of the evening is always the "bonus drawing". Instead of a small bonus to everyone, the pool the money and give it out in larger chunks. The "raffle" away four gifts of $2500, four of $5000, two of $10,000 and the biggie of $50G. There are rules involved, such as the fact that you have to have been there six months to be eligible (though not for the two biggest); part-timers not eligible for the 50k; every year you work you get another ticket in; etc.

Well, needless to say, I won nothing. Third year in a row, too. Dammit. Sheeps blames herself, as I am (supposedly) the lucky one, and she never wins anything. My luck doesn't work that way. I win lots of things, but always small. I suppose I should be happy with that.

It was a long shot, but it was nice to dream about, for a little while, anyway. The grand prize would have very nice. We could have paid off some bills and eased those monthly payments. A new couch would have been good. The van has its problems and needs to be replaced in the near future, and I've been thinking about getting another pickup truck. And Christmas is almost here, so the extra cash would have been handy.

Such is life. The bills are being paid, slowly. The futon is functional. The van still runs and does get me to work and back, though functional wiper blades would be a good thing... Christmas will be fine, if not a little cheaper.

Yeah, it was a bit depressing, but heck, I'm not any poorer, and got free dinner out of it. And a $27 gift card to Carrabas! (Why $27? Apparently, it's a tax thing...)

Life moves on, and there is always next year.

A Catharsis

2009-12-10T01:15:00.002-05:00

Hello Father,

It has been an extremely long time since we've actually spoken, though technically we are not speaking now. Odds are very good that you will never read these words, which is just as well, as I am writing them not for you, but myself.

Wednesday nights are typically our "Chinese Night", wherein we take in our favorite local Asian restaurant. I especially like it, as they have a "Mongolian Barbecue" and I can control what goes into my meal, but I digress.

I had just given my plate to the chef to cook when my phone rang. The call ID told me that it was Mom, which was unusual, as I'd just spoken to her just a few days ago, so I figured she had news of some kind, probably bad.

"Don't shoot the messenger," was her immediate response, so I knew that my first instinct was correct.

I took a deep breath and braced myself for the worst and told her, "Go ahead. What's wrong?"

She informed me that my sister Arlene had phoned her today, and told her that my step-mother had passed away. I paused for a moment, and realized that I was basically indifferent to this news. I thanked my mother, hung up the phone and went on with dinner.

Now, Dad, you and I have been pretty much estranged for the last 10 years, and have little to no relationship for the 25 years previous to those. I never really held any ill will toward you for divorcing my mother and abandoning me to the fates. You did the best you could, and the occasional weekend was all you had in you. That's all right. You were 40 when I was born and had already raised children to maturity in a previous marriage. You did what you could, and I do appreciate the effort.

I never hated you. I could not abide your latest wife, though. She was the reason why I didn't call as often as I probably should have (but, in all fairness, the phones DO work both ways, you know). She was the reason why I rarely visited, and never have in the last 10 years. She was the reason why I live my life on a daily basis with nary a thought toward you.

Why? Surely you know the answer to that, and I know that you do, as we've discussed it before, but as I've said previously, this isn't for you, it's for me, so I will explain.

She had a way about her that made me feel like less of a person in all that I did. Every word out of her mouth was a criticism, often veiled, but a criticism nonetheless. I was incapable of doing anything sufficiently in her eyes. I could never match the glory that were her children and was always a reminder to her of a life that you lived prior to meeting her - one which she did not like, for whatever reason.

She made me feel small, inconsequential. I was not worthy of being your son, though was barely tolerated in that role. She made me hate myself for being something that I didn't ask to be, but was born into - your son.

She was civil, I suppose, in her own way, but her "own way" was very condescending, and not very healthy to a budding adolescent, and not to be tolerated by a full grown adult. One can only take so much patronization and disdain, and I'd eaten my fill long before.

I called her my "Step-Monster" when speaking about her to my friends, on those rare occasions when I actually spoke of her. I would tell tales of her degradations, and while I elicited a humorous response from my listeners, I could tell that they thought I exaggerated a bit, for the sake of the telling, I suppose. Those few that actually had the displeasure to meet her quickly learned that I was not bluffing nor embellishing the tale. She was quite contemptuous toward me and barely concealed her disdain.

I do not need to tell you my feelings toward her. I shouldn't have to speak of the embarrassment and shame I've felt over the years because of her. I shouldn't have to tell you pain she caused, the sleepless nights she induced, the tears she invoked. I shouldn't have to tell you how empty I have felt because of her.

I shouldn't have to, but I will. I hated that woman with a passion. I despised her for all the things that she did to me. But more than anything else, I loathed her for taking away all those years with my father. For that, and that alone, I abhor her.

I said earlier that I was indifferent upon hearing of her passing, but that is not quite true, as the fact that I am still awake at 2 in the morning can attest. I have many emotions running through my head right now.

I feel elated. I do not glory in her death, but revel in the fact that I shall no longer bear the brunt of her detestation any longer. I am happy. Happy in the knowledge that I might actually get to reconnect with my father after all these years; that I get a chance to do so before it is too late.

I feel guilt. My conscience has taken notice that I feel so little over her death, and is a disturbed that the little amounts to joy. I take no joy in her suffering, but rejoice in a freedom I have never known - and for that I feel shame.

More than anything else, Dad, I feel sorrow. I am sad for the pain that you must be feeling. A very, very wise man told me earlier this evening (after he suggested that I get out these feelings) that we do not mourn for the dead, but for the grieving. Those words are so incredibly true. I mourn for you, Father, and wish that I could take away the pain and grief that you feel right now.

I know that contacting you this soon would be an error, and would only cause you more pain, but I feel for you, and hope that we can make amends in the near future.

With Love,

Your Son.

Ксения Симонова - Реквием из песка

2009-08-13T12:16:00.001-05:00

Wow. Absolutely phenomenal what she can do with a light board and some sand...

AHA!

2009-06-05T16:26:00.001-05:00

Clever editing. Some folk have far too much time on their hands - thank goodness.

Eh, why not?

2009-05-15T11:42:00.002-05:00

I stole this from Marius, who stole it from somebody else...

Tired of all of those surveys made up by high school kids? Have you ever kissed someone? Missed someone? Told someone you loved them? Drunk alcohol? (Seriously?) Here you have 40 questions for the people who are a little older...

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Mortgage. It's a soul killer.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Every Friday night - we eat at one of our fav restaurants - Joe's Place. It may just be casual, but it is romantic, as I get to spend quality time with my Sheeps.

3. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Career wise? Or really *right now*. Sleeping would be my preference for now. Entertaining folks in the long run.

4. How many colleges did you attend?
One.

5. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
It was clean.

6. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
I'm glad they've come down, but think they should drop further. I think raising the prices because they're switching to the "summer blend" is complete horse dookie.

7. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
"I hope I hit the snooze instead of shutting it off..."

8. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
"get off my feet, you walking carpet"

9. Do you miss being a child?
Hmmm.... not particularly

10. What errand/chore do you despise?
Mowing the lawn.

11. Get up early or sleep in?
Are you kidding me? Sleep in!

12. Have you found real love yet?
Yup.

13. Favorite lunch meat?
Roast beast.

14. What do you get every time you go into Target?
The sensation that Walmart has the exact same items, only cheaper?

15. Beach or lake?
Lake.

16. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
You'd have to ask my wife.

17. Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?
Neither.

18. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Emeril, as long as he cooked...

19. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
Do fender benders count? Then yes.

20. Ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Yes.

21. Ring tone?
Whatever comes with the damned phone.

22. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
In the woods, while camping.

23. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go?
Never been to Cally. I suppose LA?

24. Do you go to church?
Only for weddings.

25. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
My wife would most likely frown on the relationship part, so I'll say career.

26. How old are you?
I'll be 45 in a month.

27. Do you have a go-to person?
I'm usually the one people come to, but in a pinch, I've got lots of folks I can rely on.

28. Are you where you want to be in life?
Nope. Haven't hit the lottery yet.

29. Growing up, what were your favorite cartoons?
Johnny Quest, Bugs Bunny, Kimba, Astro-boy, and Speed Racer.

30. What about you do you think has changed the most?
My hair. It's turning gr... er, blond.

31. Looking back at high school, were they the best years of your life?
I had a tight group of friends back then. Then again, I still have the same friends... No, not really the best times, but good times were had.

32. Are there times you still feel like a kid?
Often.

33. Did you ever own troll dolls?
What? No!

34. Did you have a pager?
Yes. Unfortunately.

35. Where was the hang out spot when you were a teenager?
The "tree" at Bryant Park in Lake Worth. There's also the arcade at the Cross County Mall. Spend hours playing Star Castle.

36. Were you the type of kid you would want your children to hang out with?
I suppose so.

37. Who do you think impacted your life the most?
Sir Rieken, Sir Bron. They pretty much influenced the way I looked at the world.

38. Was there a teacher or authority figure that stood out for you?
Not any one in particular. All had an impact, to one degree or another.

39. Do you tell stories that start with “when I was your age”?
::hangs head in shame:: Yes. Yes, I do.

40. Is it better to love and lose it or never to love at all?
That's a toss up. Feels great when you're there, but it sucks when it goes south...

Thank You, Germany!

2009-05-06T11:56:00.000-05:00

Why, you ask? For giving us the term Schadenfreude. This is truly an awesome word, and one we really needed. There isn't an American equivalent.

It is defined as: “pleasure derived from the misfortune of others”. At lot of languages have a term for this, but a lot of them borrow from the German, and none roll off the tongue so nicely.

Basically, it is laughing at your friend who trips in a pothole, or chuckling at the antics of the Three Stooges, or finding just about anything on The Simpsons funny, but can include finding sheer joy at the utter failings of others, such as seeing an “enemy” fail in a venture.

Take, for example, the sight Sheeps and I witnessed last Sunday. We had a long day of yard work ahead of us, so decided to catch a nice brunch, beforehand. There is a wonderful deli near to the house, but it is very popular, so parking is at a premium. We ended up having to park at the far side of the plaza. On the way back to the car we passed a family heading in. They had a boy, about 10, who was terribly interested at the contents of one of the storefronts (though I have to wonder why – it was a Citi-Bank loan store, so nothing interesting inside…) He had his forehead pressed against the glass and was looking in, sliding along as he continued walking. Well, the storefront was not *all* glass, as it had nice, solid, steel dividers between the window sections, as the boy soon found out. With a loud “clang!” and an “ow!”, the boy bounced off the window frame. It was one of those moments of horror wherein you wondered if the boy was all right, but the guffaws of laughter would not be halted. Hey, even the parents were laughing. We apologized, as we stumbled past, tears of joy dripping down our faces… It was one of those “had to be there” moments, and I was glad we were.

Thanks Germany! Great word.

Too Bizarre

2009-05-01T10:06:00.001-05:00

This is a commercial produced for a furniture company in North Carolina...

Um.... wow.

Even the Romans had geeks!

2009-04-29T09:26:00.002-05:00

So, who knew the Romans played D&D? Here's proof. I'll skip the obvious jokes about Roman punishments and saving throws...

Dagnabbit!!

2009-04-14T15:04:00.002-05:00

Okay, for some reason, YooToob is not allowing this one to be embedded... Try this link or go to YouTube and look up "Susan Boyle". You won't regret it.

On a positive note:

2009-04-14T10:41:00.001-05:00

Some while ago, I posted about Paul Potts, the amazing singer on Britain's Got Talent. He was a dumpy little cell phone salesmen who sang opera, and was astounding. He went on to win their contest on the other side of the pond.

It seems he's back, in drag. Well, not really, but a female version of him, anyway. They have a contestant who is a dumpy little 47 year old virgin. Enter Susan Boyle. She, self admittedly, has "never been kissed". She sounds like a British version of Edith Bunker. The whole audience is laughing at her, already snickering to each other how pathetic she is. As they music starts, the goosebumps already rise on your skin, as you can just predict just how horrific she is going to be... and then she sings

Karmic Update

2009-04-14T09:25:00.003-05:00

Well, the waters seem to have calmed a bit...

We managed to scrape together the moola to pay Unkie Sam, but it leaves us with pocket change for the next couple of weeks, literally. That's okay, though. We can stretch spaghetti pretty far.

The branch that fell out of the neighbor's tree and took out the light pole: The utility company fixed the light. Sort of. They reconnected the downed power line. It still doesn't work, but at least there isn't a live wire on the ground... Oh, yeah - the neighbors didn't bother cleaning up the branch, as, I suppose, it was on my property. I had to spend a couple of hours cutting it up and hauling it to the curb. Being as I had no power tool to do the job, and had to rely on a hand saw, this took a bit of time and effort. C'est la vie.

Sheeps and I both caught some stomach bug and were pretty much down for the weekend. Actually, we're still feeling kind of sluggish, but life must go on and work must get done.

In positive news, the replacement battery seems to be doing just fine in the Cheerleader Jeep, so more expensive repairs don't seem to be necessary.

So, life goes on and we keep rolling with the punches. We just wish the bell would ring and life would stop punching for a few moments...

Cosmic kickstart?

2009-04-07T10:40:00.000-05:00

“For whatever reasons, Ray, call it...fate, call it luck, call it karma. I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that we were destined to get thrown out of this dump.”

Okay, no one is getting thrown out, but fate sure has kicked us in the can a few times of late. I’m still wondering which cosmic entity I ticked off.

First, there was the water heater... Then, a pipe decided to burst in the wall. Well, I’m fairly certain the pipe didn’t deliberately choose to burst, but then again… Due to a small snafu on the part of the mortgage lender, we recently had to make a double mortgage payment.

A couple of weeks ago, after auto-cratting a Kingdom event, (meaning we were amongst the last to leave) we attempted to go home and enjoy what was left of our Sunday. Nope. The Jeep wouldn’t start. We’d (naturally) removed the emergency kit from the car to make room for event stuff. After some search, we found someone still on site with jumper cables. They were tiny! (The cables, not the people…) The only thing they could jump would maybe (maybe!) a lawn mower. They actually started smoking when we tried them. Thanks! But no thanks. We found a regular set and tried them. It took a while, but we finally got enough of a charge to turn the engine, which was left running while we packed. (Hey, we were in charge! Had to make sure everyone else got off site before we did. After a (free!) check of the alternator, we determined that it was just the battery that needed replacing. It was only $85, but that was still a kick in the pants.

Now we just have to come up with the cash to pay Uncle Sam his due, and we should (fingers crossed) be out of the danger zone. I’m hoping to maybe catch an extra shift or three at the bar, but that’s been no guarantee of late…

I’m taking the branch that fell in the middle of the night, and missed my van by a foot, as a positive sign. Hey, it missed…. That's good, right?

Hope, for this town of mine...

2009-03-25T10:28:00.000-05:00

Bigotry loses – by a very narrow margin.

Amendment 1 failed in the local city elections last night. If you are not from G-Town, allow me to explain: About a year ago, the city commissioners made a bold, open-minded move and created an ordinance that allowed trans-gendered individuals to use whichever public rest-room that best suited their needs.

Of course, the “moral right” immediately put up such a hue and cry, and demanded that it be struck from the books. They formed a committee of similarly small minded individuals, raised a cadre of misinformed masses and got a petition through demanding an amendment to not only remove the ordinance, but remove *all* anti-discrimination legislation from the city, and restrict the commissioners from ever creating any anti-discrimination referendum – ever.

Their battle cry was “Keep men out of women’s rooms!”, but what was really on their minds (forgive the overstatement) was complete discrimination against the gay and lesbian community, and any other folks what weren’t brung up proper, like they wuz. If they strictly wanted to keep men out of women’s rooms, then why wasn’t that the way the amendment was written? Why restrict the city solely to the classes already protected by (and only by) the State constitution? I don’t think that even they, those mule-minded bigots that unfortunately live within my town, realized exactly how far reaching their persecutionist retardation really was.

Yes, you would keep “men out of the women’s rooms”. You would also remove any gay rights or privileges, which could only have been part of your hidden agenda, owing to the wording you chose. You would have also removed the rights of opposite sex couples in G’Ville. Wait, what? Yes. The city has extended spousal rights to long-term unmarried couples. Bob and Mary have been together for 25 years, yet have never felt the need to get married. The city felt that Mary, due to her dedication and steadfastness, deserved the right that a “wife” should have. Amendment 1 would have ridded that, too.

The Citizens for Good Public Policy (oops, didn’t mean to name names….) even went so far to air a surveillance video taken from a recent incident. A man followed a woman into the restroom at a Home Depot, and tried to take photos under the stall with his phone. He was caught and arrested. They used this as a “weapon” to demonstrate how terrible this ordinance was, allowing such occurrences. Unfortunately for them, it completely knocks the winds out of their week sails. The man was…say it with me…arrested. Perverts can not use the ordinance to support their perversions. Period. They are going to prey upon others whether or not there is a law in place that really doesn’t affect them anyway. In fact, such perverts really don’t care about the law. They only care about satisfying their own needs. But I digress.

The point is now moot, as the true good citizens of this town pulled together on a polling Tuesday and said, “We don’t agree with your narrow-minded fanaticism” and, by a margin of 58%, said NO.

I am not affected by this law in any way, shape or form, but the little part of me that believes in equality is rejoicing. Sometimes the right thing IS done.

Bizkit the Sleep Walking Dog

2009-03-13T14:28:00.001-05:00

I remember a teacher who argued that dogs didn't have souls because they didn't dream. Tell me this dog isn't dreaming...

I bet PETA is losing their minds over this video. "How dare you let that dog sleep so close to a wall!"

On death, and dying

2009-03-02T11:31:00.002-05:00

It’s kind of strange; planning your own death… Even if it was just in jest.

This weekend past, I stepped down as the Landed Baron of my local SCA chapter. It was a great opportunity for schtick, and owing as to how I am a great lover of such, I really wanted to play it up. My Baroness just wanted to “walk away” and that’s fine, but I’m too much of the ham to just walk off from a gig like this.

I did have a “death” planned, but the week before the event was a rough one, SCA politally speaking, and, upon reflection, it didn’t seem like such a good idea to have my successor knock me off… While it was silly (very silly), it would give ammo to some folks currently engaged in a snipe hunt/pointless vendetta. No, I won’t go into details. It isn’t worth it, and it is, hopefully, over.

The “plan” was to have me decide that I wasn’t going to step down after all, and my successor, who was currently my herald, would squeeze an orange into my mug, thus “poisoning” me. (For those who've been hiding under a rock for the last 40 years, I am highly allergic to oranges...) The orange was brought up in the form of a “parting gift fruit basket” from the Barony. The Baroness was not in on the gag (few were – I wanted it to be a surprise) tried to remove the orange (it was fake – a good fake) from the basket, but I quietly told her not to. It worked out well, though, as it pointed out the fact that there was an orange in there. I made a distraction while the next Baron, quite theatrically, picked out the orange and made a show of squeezing it into my mug (behind my back, of course).

Well, as I mentioned, it was a rough week, and making a “villain” out of my successor would not have been such a great plan. I came up with an additional bit of schtick that no one knew about. I called him out and allowed him to turn over his office of herald to his deputy, and then dismissed him. I had an arrow stashed behind my throne and a squire to put it into my hand properly at the right time. I claimed knowledge of the poisoned mug and said that I was no fool to fall for such a silly trick, and then the arrow “struck”. “You’re right… honey… Four years… is long enough…”, I cried, as I got up and staggered out of court. The crowd seemed to like it, which was the intent. My lovely bride, however, didn’t take to kindly to it… Actually, she’s got a great sense of humor, but I caught her by surprise…

The rest of the day was spent being… ignored. People were well intentioned, but wrong. Folks thought they were doing me a favor and leaving me alone, but the end result was that I felt shunned. It seemed that I was some kind of anathema and people went out of their way to avoid me. Not intending to be vain, or anything, but it really sucked. I am a people person, and just came from a position that garnered me a lot of attention. Going from “a lot” to “none whatsoever” was a bit painful.

Sheeps had tried to prepare me, but until you actually experience it, you really just can’t understand. She’d arranged to have some friends come up and spend the event with me, to help ease the feeling, but "S" was very sick and couldn’t come, and his wife "B" could only come for a little while, before driving back home to take care of him. I understood, as you can’t really help being sick, but they were sorely missed. Marius was going to come, too, but ended up with car trouble and couldn’t make it. It had been a day that I was truly looking forward to, but it the reality was much more dismal.

I realize that the day belonged to the new Baron and Baroness, and folks believed themselves to be doing me a favor by giving me space, but they were shutting me off from the one thing that I thrive on – attention. Don’t get me wrong; I am not an attention whore who must be in the spotlight at all times, but I am, at least, an attention slut, and need, at minimum, some affirmation.

We’d have left early, but we’d already made plans to sit in on feast, and I’m glad we did. I don’t know how she managed to pull that off with the budget she had, but it was amazing. Food galore! And a ton of meat! The head cook and bottle-washer did an awesome job. After feast, I was too stuffed, and too tired to drive home, so we hit the cabin and crashed.

Sunday was a rainy, hazy day, so we packed up quickly and headed home, picking up donuts on the way. Comfort food, dontcha know…

All and all, it was kind of a “meh” weekend. It could have been a lot better, but, on the other hand, it could have blown up and been a lot worse. All told, I am relieved that is over, and I can concentrate on being a regular schmoe again.

VD in a nutshell

2009-02-15T22:41:00.002-05:00

I stole this from Marius, who stole it...

What are your middle names? Wayne and Marye

How long have you been together? 3ish years.

How long did you know each other before you started dating? 10? 12? A long time.

Who asked who out? It was kind of a mutual thing.

Whose siblings do you see the most? She met one of mine, once. I met hers, once. I'd say we're tied.

Do you have any children together? No.

What about pets? Five cats and a super-turtle.

Did you go to the same school? Nope.

Who is the most sensitive? Her.

Where do you eat out most as a couple? Hmmm... Well, there's Joe's Place most every Friday, and Moe's for lunch most Saturdays. Then there's the Chinese buffet on occasion. I'd say Moe's probably wins, though.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? I'd have to say Ohio.

Who has the craziest exes? Oh yeah. Me.

Who has the worst temper? When she gets her dander up, it's pretty volatile, but I think I have the worst.

Who does the cooking? Mostly me. I'm a fairly decent cook, and I like to do it. I can't bake for beans, though, whereas she excels...

Who is more social? Well, I work at a bar, so I'd say me, but we're both kind of homebodies.

Who is the neat freak? Definitely her.

Who is the most stubborn? Pig-headed? Me? Yeah. Me.

Who hogs the bed? The *damn* cats.

Who wakes up earlier? Her.

Where was your first date? Depends on what you consider our first date. It's a little fuzzy, and differs upon which way you look at it. Either way, at an event.

Who has the bigger family? Oh, most assuredly me.

Do you get flowers often? Get? Never. Doesn't matter, anyway, as the cats would eat them

How long did it take to get serious? No long. We've been friends for a long while, and had an "online friendship" thing going for at least a year.

Who eats more? I finish most of her meals...

Who sings better? I'm not bad, but she's awesome.

Who does the laundry? Shared, but she does the lion's share.

Who’s better with the computer? I'd say we're equals.

Who drives when you are together? Usually me.

Who picks where you go to dinner? Shared, mostly, but I like giving her the choice, as I'm really, really, really not picky. Not saying she is, 'cause she isn't, but since I don't usually care, why not give her the choice?

Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong? We're about even on this one.

Who wears the pants in the relationship? It's mutual

Who has more tattoos? Me. With one.

Who eats more sweets? Hmmm. Probably her, but not by a large margin.

Our Valentine's was spent as every one has been since we've been dating - apart. She had a demo in Tampa she was coordinating, and I had to stay home and work on the plumbing. She came home early enough to still be Valentine's Day, so we mostly hugged, kissed and went to bed.

The plumbing did not get finished on Saturday, as I discovered, after several hours of tearing out walls in the "spare" bathroom, which we don't use and are going to completely remodel anyway, that I really just couldn't fit beneath the vanity to work on the sink. I ended up calling my friend Micheal, whose diminutive stature came in handy. He went above and beyond the call of duty, and we managed to get it all fixed on Sunday. It was a nightmare, with one thing after another going wrong, but we handled it.

That was my Valentines.

Still, no content

2009-02-11T11:47:00.003-05:00

Well, I still have nothing. Life kind of sucks right now, as we still do not have any hot water in the house. Until I can get there and start tearing out walls and, hopefully, gain some kind of sudden plumbing knowledge via osmosis, and fix the broken pipe/valve, we continue to live in a cold world. So, barring anything useful or even fun to report, I give you another photo guaranteed to give aneurisms to Marius...

In lieu of content...

2009-02-10T12:19:00.002-05:00

I give you this... (Especially for Marius...)

Can a brutha catch a break?

2009-02-09T11:24:00.002-05:00

Fates are conspiring against me. I’m starting to wonder what horrific sin I committed to deserve such a backlash of Karma. Probably had something to do with water…

About six months ago, the hot water heater went kablooie. Well, it didn’t exactly blow up, as I don’t have a hole in the roof (anyone watch Myth Busters?), but it did give up the ghost in a major fashion. That particular fashion was to develop a not-so-slow leak, purging its 30 gallons of internal fluids all over the foyer. But that just wouldn’t be “major” fashion, in and of itself. No. This had to go one better. The shutoff valve for the heater tank refill was broken. What this means is that the 30 gallons that emptied themselves on the floor? They refreshed themselves. Constantly. There was a continuous flow of water upon the floor. Luckily (hah) it was a "relatively" slow leak, and we could "keep up" with the flow, until the repair was completed.

Then there was the fiasco with Lowe’s. We found a decently priced water heater (and decent was still fairly indecent), and they had installation services available. We didn’t really have the $300 to dish out for it, but as it was a gas heater, it was beyond my meager talents to install. We’d even called the night before to make sure that they could do it and the woman said, “No problem, let’s set it up over the phone. Do you have a credit card available?” Well, we didn’t want to make said transaction on the line, so said we’d pay for it in the morning when the store opened. No problem.

We got to the store and everything seemed well… We found the water heater we wanted, for the price we found online. Excellent! There was a sign right there that said “Installation guaranteed”. Said it right on the box, too! Now, we just need to wrestle it onto the trolley and figure out how to set up the installation. The two escapees from “Dazed and Confused” wearing the orange vests ought to know something, right? “Oh, we totally don’t do those.” What?? The sign says you do! The box says you do! The woman on the phone, who tried to take our money, said you do!! “We’ll make a call to our service center to double check.” They both walked around the corner and returned within 30 seconds, literally. “Yeah, we don’t do that.”

We had to call a plumber to do the job, and ended up paying 2.5 times what Lowe’s ‘promised’ they’d do it for. I was miffed. After calling Lowe’s and escalating up to the corporate level, the only satisfaction I received was a “Sorry, we’re working on hiring someone for that” and a promise of 10% off our next “big project”. Well, the store policy on “installation guaranteed” has changed. They no longer make those promises. They’ve added all kinds of little disclaimers to it. At least I’ve forced them to be a little more honest about it.

Well, flash to this weekend, and the water that suddenly started appearing in the hallway. I explored all the possibilities. I recently had to do some work repairing the tiling around the tub, so that all got re-sealed, and the silicone between the tub and wall was redone. The small hole in the bathroom trap drain got taped up as well. The leak seamed to have stopped, or so we’d hoped.

Last night, as Sheeps had gone to bed, I sat down at the computer to finish listening to a friend’s Podcast. Sheep’s frantic calling of my name had me come running. Luckily, she wasn’t asleep yet and heard “kachunk, whooooosh” come from the bathroom. I tracked the hissing sound to vanity and, upon opening the door, discovered a rather light spray coming out. I reached in to shut off the supply valve, and the whole pipe cracked off in my hand, and the spray became a steady stream – of scalding hot water hitting me in the face.

“Shut it off! Shut it off! Shut it off!!”, I calmly stated. Okay, I screamed it at the top of my lungs, as I slammed the cabinet door shut in a hopelessly foolish attempt to stop the water. Sheeps had no idea how to shut it off, nor should she, and I should have known better. I really didn’t know myself, but had a vague idea. I ran to the hot water heater closet, and managed to find the shutoff valve leading to the bathroom. The good news is that the hot water is currently off to the bathroom. The bad news is that the hot water is currently off to the bathroom.

This repair probably requires a plumber’s fine touch, but as we still owe Unka Sammy 600 smackers, and we still hold on to a small shred of hope of actually attending Gulf Wars (I haven’t missed one since One), I’m going to stay home this weekend and try my hand at plumbing. I should be going with Sheeps, as she is running a major SCA demo at the State Fair in Tampa, and I’m supposed to be helping, but I’ve got to try and fix this thing… No big deal. Just break a hole in the wall, replace the broken pipes and plumbing. Skills that I completely lack. But it'll be a learning experience, right?

So, any of you happen to have been plumbers in a former life?

Her Morning Elegance / Oren Lavie

2009-02-08T19:07:00.001-05:00

This is just too kewl to not be shared

How to tell it is cold in Florida

2009-01-21T13:38:00.002-05:00

When these three monsters, who do not normally interact very well together, decide to combine their 70+ lbs and pin you to the bed and steal all of your radiated heat, you know it is cold. They are, clockwise from the top right, Oliver, Grey Kitty (who is too stupid to have a name) and Impy. The tiny black blotch at the top is Sophia, who stationed herself in my left arm pit...

Earl Geranium, Please...

2009-01-14T15:06:00.000-05:00

We have a "guest" at work. She is the "Asian Supervisor" for the company, and normally works out of the Atlanta office, but is down here in sunny Florida for a week. In the event that you couldn't guess, "L" is Chinese.

They've set her up at a desk just outside my "cube" which I don't mind so much, but she has some odd food choices... I won't get into most of them, but the tea...

She brings in her own tea every day. At least she calls it a tea. It is in one of those cylindrical containers you would get if you ordered a large soup from a Chinese restaurant. There is no ice, nor is it hot. Suspended with the "tea" is variety of flowers, herbs, fungus and fruit. Daisies, mushrooms, roots, leaves and berries, etc.

It makes me reminisce of a field trip I took while in Jr High, so many years agone. We had a picnic, but also collected various samples of life to study. At one point, a couple of us waded out in the lake and scooped out a jar-ful of water, from near the bottom. We took it back to school and studied the various life forms we'd captured in that jar. Oddly enough, this "tea" bears a striking resemblance to that jar.

*I* don't care to drink something to that effect, but she seems to enjoy it, so to each their own. I'm just getting kind of tired of everyone walking by and asking the inevitable question, "What the hell is that?!"

For my own part, I've eaten some strange things. I've had alligator, squid, octopus, eel, snake, squirrel, rabbit, ostrich, buffalo, horse and even dog. But I don't think I could sip on luke-warm pond water all day...

How the Hell Do They Know??

2009-01-05T15:25:00.002-05:00

Every time! Every single time!! It seems that, without fail, whenever I get up to go use the restroom, it is being cleaned by the janitorial staff. It doesn't seem to matter what time of day it is. Sometimes it is the mornings, most often the afternoon, but whenever my bladder decides that it is time to be emptied, that blasted cart is blocking the doorway!

Now, if it were an emergency, I could run downstairs and use the bathroom there. It usually isn't *that* much of a priority. It is just a bit disconcerting. How the hell do they know?

I suppose that it is nice to have a fresh, clean place to... relieve myself, but the overwhelming smell of Shelia Sheen is disgusting! Smells too... industrial.

Oh, well. Time to lock my knees and waddle back that way, in hopes that they are done...

In-Laws and Trannies and Atronauts, oh my...

2008-12-05T10:24:00.000-05:00

So, the In-Laws invited themselves down from Ohio for Thanksgiving, and decided that Sheeps’ brother and family should fly out from Cally-For-Ny-Aay as well. Her mom is about as endearing as a rattlesnake with a toothache. I’m not just spouting “in-law platitudes”. Ask Sheeps, she’ll tell ya! She has a way of throwing out condescending remarks as casual conversation. Talking with her can be nerve-shattering, but one learns to tune out demeaning bits…

Her brother is a dork. Apparently the favored child. He spent most of the time play-fighting with his 10 y/o son, so didn’t really interact with anyone. His wife Chi, was actually very nice. She’d actually carry on a conversation with you… The son is the typical spoiled only child of a moderately well to-do family. The kid ate nothing but chicken nuggets, bananas and cheese. And milk. Lots of milk. But wouldn’t touch whipped cream. Go figure?

At any rate, the stay wasn’t *too* bad. We survived.

Part of the game-plan was to go to Silver Springs and ride the glass-bottomed boats, and view the Holiday Lights display. Holiday Lights, not just X-mas, ‘cause they had a 6’ lit up menorah. One. Oh, yeah, and a dreidel. That made it multi-denominational. And of course, we had to do what everyone else wanted to do. “We’re going to see *this* now.” Our thoughts and desires didn’t really matter. Then, leaving out of there (finally) we got lost, thanks to me actually listening to her mother. “You need to turn left here.” (Even though it was pitch black to the left and had businesses and whatnot on the right….) With a little directional horse-sense, I managed to get us back on the right track and back home again.

The next day, it was off to KSC. The Kennedy Space Center is definitely a cool thing to do, if you ever get the chance. We got a late start, due mostly to the B-I-L being unwilling to adjust to Florida time. I’ve never seen jet lag last a week before… We arrived in time to catch the last bus tour of the day. They’d drive you to a certain area of the Space Center, and drop you off. You’d watch a little film, check out a display, then hit another bus to take you to the next section, lather, rinse, repeat. You go at your own pace, but we, of course, were on someone else’s timeline, so didn’t really get to fully check out all the things we wished.

Another interesting thing to do is people-watch. KSC draws a lot of foreign visitors, not to mention rude American tourists. (I actually got physically shoved out of the way at the lunch counter as the “nice lady” didn’t get her juice.) There was one family that seemed to be dogging our footsteps, wherever we went. They were always in the same theater, same display hall, on the same bus… It was an older French couple on vacation there with their… daughter.

Now, mind you, I don’t really have a problem with Trannies. Really, I don’t. Live how you want to live. But is it too much to request that you do it with a little style? First of all, clam-diggers really haven’t been in style for 60 some-odd years. And when you’re over 6’ tall? Don’t wear 3” heels. And what are you wearing high heels for anyway? You’re at a theme park! Lots of walking! Wear comfy shoes! And the hair? Gabe Kaplan called. He wants his “Welcome Back Kotter” ‘do back. Pick up a copy of Cosmo. Wait, you’re French. Make it Elle. Learn a little style, whydoncha….

Then, on the second day, there were the British Kids. They appeared to be quite close in age, and could have been twins. And they were large. Huge. Now, I’m big, so don’t really have much room to talk, but these kids were gi-normous. And we couldn’t tell their gender. The parents weren’t that large, so I don’t think it was genetic…

We took advantage of the second day free bit on the tix, but this was more of the same. Doing what everyone else wanted to do, which mostly involved the educational stuff for the 10 year old. Yes, it was NASA, and all of the things were pretty cool, but it would have been nice to have been able to see an exhibit that *I* wanted to see. I know, it’s all about me, right?

We did get to learn about the future of the space program. They’re scrapping the shuttles and going back to the capsule program. It sounds like a step back, but it really isn’t. They’re planning on going back to the moon! And then a manned flight to Mars! The shuttle is completely wrong for that type of program, so in comes “Orion”. I think it is pretty exciting, but then again, I’m a geek for that sort of thing.

We headed our separate ways that evening, as the ‘Rents were taking B-i-L and family to Jax for their flight home, and we headed back to G-Ville. We got home much later than either of us would have liked, but we were alone at last! And how did we celebrate this new found peace? We were snoring within 5 minutes of getting home. It was a long weekend…

Lo and behold, the ‘Rents were back on Monday. They’d left a lot of their luggage at our house to make room for their 3 extra passengers, and came back to get the stuff. The plan was that they’d come back in the afternoon, while we were at work, and get their stuff and hit the road. They decided to stay an extra day, so were there when I got home from work. This spoiled a lot plans, especially the participation in my Monday night “play date”, as Sheeps calls it. They old “gang” gets together on Monday evenings and plays City of Heroes. Well, we don’t “get together”, but we’re together online. We’re still keeping in touch, which is the important part. The game is secondary to spending time with dear old friends. And I missed it! Oh, well, there is always next week.

They left the next morning, after we’d gone to work, so now we are finally free. It was a stressful couple of weeks, but we lived through it, and the obligatory yearly visit is over! I think Christmas is going to be spent quietly, at home.

UPD send man to ER

2008-11-25T08:40:00.002-05:00

Man had a blue toy lightsaber.

That's a headline in today's paper. Okay, granted, it is the Independent Florida Alligator, the student run newspaper for UF. Even still, what mental image is provoked by this headline? (For those not in the know, UPD is the University Police Department.)

If you're like me, the first thought that they found a man bearing a "blue toy lightsaber" and shot him, beat the crap out of him, or tazed him (yes, THAT UPD).

In reality, they quite literally sent him to the hospital. They Baker-acted him.

UPD responded to a report of a suspicious person and found a 22 year old man sitting on a bench on campus, with one of the extending tube type lightsabers beside him. When questioned, the man did not answer, but extended the lightsaber "in a non-threatening manner". They then took the man to a local hospital for evaluation.

While they did sum up the story in the headline, they could have been a little less misleading. The police take a lot of hits trying to do their jobs, and don't need any help in the mispercption department. Especially this police department, with the "don't taze me Bro" incident a year ago. (In all fairness, Andrew Meyer is a "Jackass" wannabe, and deserved what he got.)

My question, though, is why the reporter felt the need to point out that it was a "toy" lightsaber. Every mention of the lightsaber in the article points out that it was a toy. Well, shuh! Of course it was a toy! Unless I VanWinkled for a while, or this kid was a mad genius, real lightsabers don't exist. It would be cool if they did, but they don't. Talk about weapon control! What kind of limitations would they put on those??

The bigger question is why did they feel it important to point out that it was blue? 'Cause if it was a RED toy lightsaber he would be sith, and they would have had to take him out??

I suppose in the long run that we'll just have to chalk it up to a slow newsweek. They can only report so much on the success of the football team and how Timmy Tebow is getting robbed by only being the number 4 pick for the Heisman this year (so far). Go Gators!

Burning down the house...

2008-11-24T13:32:00.000-05:00

No, not my house.

There has been a video making its way around the internet circuit lately. It is a video from the UK about grease fires, and how dangerous they can be, which is entirely true. It shows how explosive water can be on this type of fire. The water, being heavier, sinks to the bottom of the oil and vaporizes instantly into steam, causing the flaming oil to shoot upward at a high velocity. This is also entirely true. The video then shows that you can put out the fire by wetting a dishrag and draping it over the pan. This is partially true, but NOT recommended!

Think about it. Water + burning oil = boom! So, if you wouldn’t use water, why would you use a water soaked towel? Yes, it *might* smother your fire. It could also cause said explosion. (See above equation…) Are you willing to bet your kitchen, or, more to the point, your skin suit on a *might*? Water should only be used on a Class A (alpha) fire.

Quick firefighting lesson: There are 5 basic classes of fire: Alpha (A), Bravo (B), Charlie (C), Delta (D) and Kilo (K). Alpha fires are solid flammable materials, such as wood or paper. Your basic campfire is a Class A fire. Bravo fires are from gasses or liquids. A oil rig fire would be a B class. Charlie class fires are electrical. Generally, electrical fires tend to cause class alpha fires… Water is very bad on this type of fire too, as it is very conductive. De-energize the problem, and it becomes a class alpha… Delta fires are special, and should be left alone. Essentially, these are “flammable metals”, like magnesium. They are next to impossible to put out, but they are also very rare. That brings us to class K fires. These are a subset of Class B fires, and are composed of cooking oil fires. Why did they make it a separate class? I have no idea, but I suppose that it is the most common, so they wanted to make a distinction.

The simplest, easiest solution to a grease fire is to have a metal lid on hand. Simply cover the pan and the fire will burn out almost immediately. You are removing one of the elements a fire needs to exist – oxygen. If you don’t have a metal lid for a particular pan, a flat, metal baking sheet will suffice. Do not use a glass lid, as the heat will shatter it. Just turn off the heat, put the lid (or the sheet pan) on the pan and step back. Don’t check it to make sure the fire went out. Let it sit for 15 minutes or so, to avoid flashback.

Do not try to carry the burning pan outside. You will be nervous, unsteady and in a hurry. This will lead to sloshing and splashing. People would technically be considered a class A fire, so we would have what firefighters like to refer to as a “Screaming Alpha”. Bad idea. Leave the pan on the stove. Just cover it.

Again, never throw water on a grease fire, as it will implode, and you will get a fireball that consumes everything in the kitchen, including you. And we're back to the Screaming Alpha…

It is also a very good idea to keep a small fire extinguisher available. They’re relatively inexpensive and can be invaluable in an emergency. You can buy a “general purpose” type, or even one specifically intended for Class K fires.

The biggest step is prevention. Don’t leave heated oil unattended. If there is something more important on your agenda, then fry later. Why leave such a potential hazard to chance? You’ll be there to avoid any of the accidents that tend to cause grease fires, and can react instantly if one does happen to occur.

And on a related note, especially considering the upcoming holiday, be extra careful when deep frying turkeys.

Make sure the unit is on steady, flat ground. Many of these systems tip over easily. But choose your flat location wisely. Always use outdoors, in an open, uncovered area. Not in a house, in a carport, under a porch… Duh.

Do not overfill with oil. You need to account for the mass of the turkey. This is the old “ten pounds of %&$ in a 5 pound sack” rule. The oil could spill over and potentially hit the flames. This becomes what we like to call an “explosion”. You might be better served to cook a couple of small turkeys instead of one large one.

Thaw the turkey completely. As has been established, water + heated oil = bad. Watch your marinades, as well…

Insert the turkey into the oil slowly. Don’t drop it in. Hot splashing oil is bad! Especially when open flames are present. Same goes for taking it out. Slow and steady…

If you have to move the unit, use oven mitts. The handles on those big pots can get very hot. And be careful afterwards, as the oil will stay hot for hours. And this should go without saying, but keep children and pets away from the hot, boiling, flaming things…

Finally, as with any “boiling oil project”, never leave the fryer unit unattended. Bad things, man, bad things.

Safe cooking!

LOLZ for Geeks

2008-10-09T23:31:00.001-05:00

Marius? You should check out this site. Too funny.

Star Wars Dance

2008-10-09T23:19:00.001-05:00

Too funny. I can't even imagine having that kind of free time...

The House Elves are dead...

2008-10-08T09:47:00.002-05:00

I think the cats ate them. They're supposed to come out at night and clean up, right? Put stuff away? Fix things? Yeah, the cats definitely ate them.

Didn't get the Appliance Fairies, though! We had to buy a new washing machine. The old one still worked, but the spin cycle died so clothes would be clean, but soaking wet. It took several go arounds in the dryer to get things dry. That meant that one load of laundry took 3-4 hours. Just one load. We had enough extra left over from the bills to buy a cheap washer so we did. We didn't get the nice blue enamel front loader on a pedestal, like we wanted. We pretty much got the cheapest of the lot, but hey, it'll wash...

At any rate, we hauled the new one home and installed it in the laundry room. We hauled to old one out to the curb. The City has a "white goods" pick up on Wednesdays, so we just had to call the day before. No bother. The damn thing disappeared between 8-5 the next day. The Appliance Fairies picked it up. More power to 'em.

In other news, I found out a few more details about the firing of "S", the drunk waitress. The manager did not want to fire her, but rather suspend her for 3 months. I'm not sure what good he thought that would do? Anyway, the bar owner nixed that plan. Nay, nay fluffy. She's gone.

We've seen her almost every night since. Completely drunk. It just verifies that she has a problem. A serious problem. And she's only been applying to other bars for a job. She needs to stay the hell out of bars. She's on a downhill slide, and is going to hit bottom fast. I really hope she is able to get help.

And, this whole time, I've been fighting this stupid sinus junk for weeks. I'll start to feel better that BAM, sniffling and sneezing again. I'm so tired of being sick.

Well, it's time to go to work and see what excitement today holds.

Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves

2008-09-30T10:12:00.000-05:00

The economy is in the toilet. I didn’t need a failed $700 squillion bailout plan to tell me that. The $80 weekend at the bar was a pretty good indicator.

In times past, on a Game Day weekend, I could bank a small bundle. It was not far fetched for me to reel in $300-$400 for a 4-6 hour shift, after tip-outs. It’s not a bad gig, and is one of the reasons I still work at the bar. This past weekend was completely different. Yes, $80 was all I made, after a 7 hour shift. Granted, that is still more than $10 an hour, and a lot of people would be happy with that, but when you’re used to making a bare minimum of double that, it kind of sucks.

I usually get the best shifts, as I have the most seniority. Now, 12:30 games are not optimal, but there is usually a good drinking crowd before and after, so working through the game is usually best. So let it be with Turtle. I had a fairly inexperienced crew working with me, but then again, most of the employees are relatively new. We’ve had a spate of turnovers lately. It turned out to really not matter much at all.

It was slow. Very slow. Too slow to have 2 bartenders and a barback on at the front bar. Heck, one bartender could have handled it quite easily, and still been fairly bored. I don’t really blame management for not cutting anyone, as there was no way to tell if it would ever get busy or not.

There are several reasons why it was so slow. The Gators losing didn’t help much. In most college towns, if their team loses, folks go out and console themselves with drink. If their team wins, they go out and celebrate. Either way, they go out. Not so much, as far as Florida is concerned. Everyone goes home and mopes. The “after the game crowd” is minimal, at best.

Another reason is the economy. Why spend frivolously? Gas is almost $4 a gallon. Hotels are expensive. People just can’t afford to blow a couple hundred bills for a weekend of fun. Even those that are willing to spend tend to cut back in some areas, and tipping is usually the first area hit.

One of the biggest reasons we didn’t make any money, though, would be Little Miss “S”. She is one of the newest employees, and one of the most enthusiastic. This can be a good thing, under the right circumstances. It can also be very annoying to her coworkers. Y’see, “S” has a major problem with “Camping the Door”. She will hang out by the door and greet customers as they come in, and take their order. This means she’s taking the majority of the business in the bar. Let me put it this way: her sales were higher than any other employee at the bar, for any shift. In fact, she doubled what the three of us at the front bar sold in the same shift. She took home more than double in tips than what the three of us made combined. She was also supposed to “tip us out”, as we made all of her drinks (so we know, intimately, how much she was selling, and we weren’t…). After 40 minutes past the time our shifts ended, she still hadn’t reconciled her bank, and hence, how much she should tip us out. I ended up giving up waiting and stormed out, pissed off. (I got a message later that she’d left $10 for each of us – which is completely unacceptable. The standard is 20% of tips earned.)

The main reason I was pissed, beyond her, essentially, stealing from me, was the fact that she was also completely drunk. Trashed. Hammered. Were she a customer, she would have been cut off long ago. She was doing shots with all of her customers. Every time she’d ordered shots, she was having one too. And trust me, she’d ordered a LOT of shots. Yes, a shot or two during the course of a shift is allowed. A shot or twenty is not. This is not the first time she’s done this, either. In fact, it has become a rather regular occurrence on the nights she works. Not only is it morally bankrupt, it is a liability to the bar itself.

Oh, well. She no longer works there anyway. She torqued off far too many people and there were complaints from just about every person who worked there. She’d claimed that it was no big deal and that she’d only had a couple of shots, but that is complete hogwash, and the manager knew it. The tips are still going to be down for a while, due to the economy, but at least we don’t have to deal with her any longer.

So Glamorous!

2008-09-25T14:50:00.000-05:00

Recently I mentioned the “glamour” of the bartender.

It is amazing how the media has glamorized the image of the bartender. Regardless of the fact that people go to bars and can see the ”less than shiny” side for themselves, they choose to believe the television and movie industry over their own eyes. They see what they want to see. They see a guy that gets to stand around and socialize with all manners of friends, cool crowds, and rub elbows with celebrities. He is a man that gets to ogle and speak with beautiful women all the time. It’s a job that isn’t at all hard or demanding, and all he needs to do is stand around and collect the big bucks.

Please allow me to burst the bubble - bartending is not glamorous. It is a job, and not such a fun one as some may think.

First and foremost, there is the fact that the bartender’s general clientele is inebriated, or involved in the effort of attaining said state. In other words, we deal with a lot of drunks. A LOT of drunks. They can be rude, obnoxious and downright insulting. On the other hand, they can be loving – generally too much so. They want to hug and tell you that you’re their best friend ever and that they love you. And they want you to return the favor. “I love you too… uh… pal.” And how many vomiting clients do you have to deal with every week? Unless you’re in the medical profession, not a bunch, I’m guessing. And the fighting. Alcohol always brings out the best in people… And the whole time, 20 different people are screaming your name, trying to get your attention.

That’s another thing… Your name. Hundreds of people know you. They all know your name, and you’re expected to remember all of theirs. In a college bar, wherein the customers rotate in and out, this is next to impossible. You try, and there are tricks you can use (starting a tab is always nice, as you’ve got their name on a credit card), but in truth, there are a whole lot of folks out there named Pal, Buddy, Partner, Boss and Sweetie, Darlin’, Beautiful and Dear.

Socializing? If you have time to socialize, you are not making money. If you’re making money (serving drinks), you don’t have time to socialize. Celebrities? I have served Ric Flair, and, theoretically, was serving Ryan Lochte last night, though I couldn’t point him out in a crowd. (And didn’t…) They rest are pseudo-celebs and wannabes. “I fight in the UFC!” No you don’t. Don’t know why that one is so popular lately…

The beautiful girls? They come in all forms. There are the sloppy drunks, and trust me, that is not at all attractive… There are the ones that are so “hawt” that they shouldn’t have to pay for anything, and look at you in horror when you tell them you money for that round of shots. There are the flirts. The girls who will wink and call you “Lover” and expect to get everything for free. And, a lot of the time, with some of the less than Einsteinian bartenders, they will. And some are really sweet, and yes, they are nice to talk to, on that rare occasion when you are not making any money. Some are not nearly has beautiful as they seem to think they are. The expression “My gawd, do you own a mirror?” is muttered almost every night. Just ‘cause it looks good on that size 2 model, doesn’t mean it’s going to look good on your size 16 body. Just sayin’. But you get to take so many of them home don’t you? Sure…. Even if I had the desire to, and free relationship status to do so, they leave the bar at 2, generally in some state of inebriation. I leave at 3:30, after sweating certain parts of anatomy off for 6-12 hours, smell like stale cigarettes and beer, and am completely sober. Don’t get the math? Try this then: go get really hammered, really late at night, then sit around for 2 hours alone, waiting on a friend to show up.

The job itself isn’t terribly demanding, but it can be hard. You sometimes work very long hours. You are constantly moving and hustling when it is busy. Try staying in constant motion in a 3’ x 40’ space for 6 hours. We’ll talk how easy it was afterwards. Oh, yeah, that keg needs to changed, while you’re at it…

The hours suck. Yes, the hours vary, but the best shifts are the ones when all your friends are out and having fun. Say goodbye to weekends.

And finally, the big bucks. The Moolah! Cha-ching! When it is busy, and you do your job well, and they economy isn’t completely tanked, you can take home quite a bit of paper. You’re going to have to work hard for it, but it is possible. But there is no guarantee. Some days it will be busy, and others, completely dead. You can never tell, and there is no rhyme or reason to it. And there is no sick or vacation time; no PTO. If you are not there, you don’t make money.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot to mention the “legalities”. You have to be doubly careful you don’t serve minors. Fake ID’s are very good these days, but the cops won’t care if that’s how they got in the door or not… And that guy that you cut off after his 4th drink, but was still getting drinks from his buddies? The one that sloshed behind the wheel and took out the school bus full of nuns holding orphans? Well, even if the “man” doesn’t decide to go after the bartender responsible, the nuns sure can, as well as the drunk that plowed ‘em.

Sounds like a blast, eh?

Bidnizz as usual

2008-09-24T14:28:00.000-05:00

Okay, by night, I am a happy-go-lucky bartender, living life on the edge, chatting with pretty women, doing little to no work, and getting paid tons of money to not be doing it… Riiiiiiight. Sometimes, the image the outsider has of the bartender is a pretty ridiculous. It is most definitely not the glamour job.

However, it does beat the snot out of my day job, which can be, at best, described as boring. I process contracts for a natural gas provider. Yippee! Woooohoooo! Zzzzzzzz. Not really all that exciting, but the benefits are good, and it pays the bills. The call center is open until 9pm, so I tend to work until 9 most nights, to process any last minute contracts that may come in. The rates change constantly, so quoted prices can only be locked in for so long…

I just received a call from one of our Atlanta Reps (yes, I do their processing, as well…), wondering why I did not process a contract that came in last night, as the rate had expired. “M” is our Asian Rep, and is, as you might imagine, Asian.

“Why you no do this last night?!” “Whoa, there! Let me look it up! Ummm… because it was faxed in at 11:57pm??” “They own restaurant. Bad economy, no have fax at work. They close and go home and fax!” “Ummm, M? There’s no one here after 9pm. The building closes at 9.” “They no can fax at work! Bad economy!” “I understand that, M, but there’s nothing I can do. You’ll have to refresh the rate before I can process.” “I lose margin!!” (Aha, we come to the gist of the matter…) “Well, either you do that, or you’ll have to send them a new contract, with a possibly higher rate.” “I no tell them rate go up! They fax in on time! Why I lose margin?!” “There isn't a rate deadline anywhere on the contract, M. It only says a deadline of midnight in the program. Technically, the rate, for them, is only good until the end of 5 business days.” “But they no can send before midnight!” “M?” “What?!” “The rate on contract is good for 5 days. Why did they wait until the last minute of the 5th day to fax?” “I call “E”!” (My “team captain”) *click* Two minutes later, I get an email from “M”: Rate refreshed. Please to help process.

I love my job.

Srsly??

2008-08-28T17:01:00.002-05:00

So, you all know that I tend bar for my "night job". My day is a bit more convoluted, but basically, I process commercial contracts for a natural gas supplier. (Insert joke here.) I take the contracts from the sales reps, check them over to make sure all the eyes are crossed and the tees are dotted. If I can find missing info on my own, I fill it in. Otherwise I send back to the reps to correct.

One of the most commonly left out bits is the "nature of business"; what the company does. It is a mandatory piece of info, and is designated as such on the form, but most reps don't bother filling it in. I can usually find the info readily, but sometimes it takes a bit of investigation. There is a website (Manta) that displays a lot of public corporate info, so I tend to look there a lot.

A recent business I processed has me a bit kerfuffled. The rep didn't mark it down, and the name wasn't terribly revealing, so I looked it up, and managed to find it.

Are you ready?

It is a combination business.

Sure you're ready?

It is a slaughter-house... and a school bus service.

I bet those are some damn well-behaved students on that bus!

One Word

2008-08-21T18:04:00.002-05:00

I stole this from Marius, who stole it from Stinkypaw. I'm shamelesser.

You. Can. Only. Type. One. Word. Not as easy as you might think.

1. Where is your cell phone: Work
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: Wife?
3. Your hair: Greying
4. Favorite store: Media
5. Your father: Estranged
6. Your favorite thing: Sleep
7. Your dream last night: Forgotten
8. Your favorite drink: Diet
9. Your dream car: New
10. The room you're in: Florida
11. Your last ex: Broken
12. You are: Here
13. What do you want to be in 10 years: Well
14. Who did you hang out with last night: Barflies
15. What you're not: Young
16. Muffins: Okay
17. One of your wish list items: 'Pooter
18. Where is the: Pizza?
19. The last thing you did: Ordered
20. What are you wearing: Cargo
21. Your TV: News
22. Your pet: Multiple
23. Your computer: Wife's
24. Your life: Stressed
25. Your mood: Above
26. Missing: Sense
27. What are you thinking about right now: Idiots
28. Your car: Minivan
30. Your summer: Over
31. Your relationship status: Miz-arried
32. Your favorite color: Blue
33. When is the last time you laughed: Today
34. Last time you cried: Unsure
35. Work: Frantic
36. Boys: unsuprising
37. Football: Money
38. Love: Wife
39. Drama: No?
40. Camera: Phone
41. Red: blood
42. Jewelery: Watch
43. School: Over
44. Clock: Digital
46. Marriage: Nice
47. Smell: Rain
48. Winter: Laugh
49. Fruit: Pie
50. Pillow: Two!

Again, I won't tag anyone in particular, but feel free!

Tagged!

2008-08-07T15:08:00.000-05:00

Marius tagged me with the quest to tell you four things about me you should know before inviting me to your house. Hmm… Four things…. Well, how about…

1. I am very bad with oranges. We really don’t get along. Please don’t plan on serving any, and please don’t clean with orange oil products. If you do, please let the house air out very well before inviting me over. Really. I find it very bad manners to collapse in a host’s home, so please help me out. Drinking OJ around me is cool, for those who are really into mimosas, but don’t ask me to imbibe.

2. Don’t be hurt if I turn down your invitation. It’s nothing personal, but I don’t have a lot of free time, so I am probably not available. I am not saying don’t bother inviting me, ‘cause I love to attend soirees when I have the opportunity, but the ones I can make are few and far between. Advance notice always works best.

3. Like Marius, I tend to be most comfortable around those I know. Unlike him, I’ll probably show even if I don’t know anyone, but I’ll most likely find a quiet spot in the corner to sit unobtrusively and observe.

4. In a major contradiction, I like to be in the spotlight, but not the center of attention. Did that make any sense? I enjoy sitting around, telling stories and jokes and entertaining the other guests, but I don’t like being the entire focus of the whole gathering. I don’t think I am explaining this well… I am a landed Baron in the SCA, so I often have to sit up in front of a large crowd, holding court and leading the ceremonies, and I have no problem with this. But I do have a problem getting called up before the King to receive awards. I don’t know what to say or do and I feel uncomfortable. I suppose it is a control issue. At any rate, don’t throw me a surprise party, and I should be just fine.

Dis an Dat

2008-07-23T15:39:00.001-05:00

I haven’t posted in a while, so thought I’d catch up, while I’m waiting for the computer program that I use for 99% of my work to come back up…

Cats. Again, why? Just in general. Why? The 5 seem to be getting along as well as they’re going to. Ms. Purrsy, aka Purrsephone, still hates everyone, though she has taken to wandering the whole house, instead of hiding in just one room, and she has deemed be fit to pet her, on occasion, but she “complains” the whole time. The rest have taken to taking turns sleeping on my nightstand. I’ve discovered the futility of keeping anything on said nightstand, including my eyeglasses when I’m sleeping. I’ve got to keep them in a drawer, to keep them from being knocked off, sat upon, or slept upon… Now, if I can just keep them from knocking the lamp over onto my head in the middle of the night… Oh, and could we please not hork up hairballs in the middle of the bed? Wouldn’t really be too much of a problem, as the 2nd set was in the wash. But that’s another problem. (See below.)

The “Hot Water Heater Incident” is now closed. It cost a grand that we really didn’t have, but it has been replaced. A complaint was made to Lowe’s, regarding their lack of service, but that all, essentially, came to naught. The corporate office referred me back to the local store, which is where the problem was. The manager apologized, and said that they were in the process of hiring a plumber who could install gas heaters for their installation team. Fat load of good that does me. No offer of reimbursement for the additional costs incurred as even offered. They did offer us 10% off on our next project purchase… Gee. Thanks.

In other kaput type news, our washing machine died last night. Yay! Just what we need, another mechanical failure! It happened to go out while the “backup” sheets mentioned above were being washed. Now we’re stuck with a non-functioning washer, full of half-washed laundry. Laundry that we happen to have a fairly decent need for… The good news is that I think that I might be able to fix it myself, if I can find the part to a 10 year old washer, and the time to fix it.

One of my tires is also going flat, so that’ll have to be replaced, in the not so very distant future. Sigh.

The upside is that Sheeps finally got a job. She got the one we were hoping for, so things are looking up. The downside is that she doesn’t start until Friday, so we won’t see any actual income for a while. Oh, well. At least she’ll be working.

In local news, we passed some protestors on our way to the SCA meeting last night. They were holding up signs that read, “Protect our children!” and “Keep men out of the women’s room (and vice versa)”. They were looking for people to stop and sign their petition to get a citizen written law on the ballot to stop this. Uh… WTF? Well, it seems a local ordinance was passed to allow transgendered individuals the right to use the “proper” restroom. Apparently this is an opportunity for every sexual predator out there. Yeah, ‘cause if some sicko is feeling like molesting a woman, he would be stopped by a 2” by 6” placard that says “Women”. Say I go to a local restaurant, drink my standard 3 gallons of unsweet tea, and have to tinkle? But ho, the Men’s is out of order. Do I dash outside to find a fairly inconspicuous tree, or take my chances on slipping into the unoccupied Women’s to relieve my overburdened bladder? The tree’ll only net me a ticket. Citizen’s laws are so screwy that I’d probably end up in jail if I chanced the wrong loo. What a joke. Grow up people, and get with 21st century.

Work. Joy. We have one girl out on maternity leave, which increases everyone’s workload. Last week, another girl was on vacation. Daryl, the idiot, was on his last week of his two week’s notice, but didn’t bother coming in to work. Last Friday was what we call “switch” day, which is the last day of the month to get applications in to switch new customers to our company by the 1st of the following month. Otherwise, it is the 1st of the *next* month… Switch day is always very busy. So it was an absolute joy this month. On Monday, I get a “nasty-gram” from our supervisor. Seems one of the marketers wrote a note in the system on one of the accounts, but didn’t actually make the update she said she did. Nor did she send out an email saying she’d changed it (even though she didn’t…) “C” (who is on vacation, mind you), whose job is to monitor and prompt updates, didn’t catch it. “D” is her backup (he didn’t bother showing up, remember?), and he didn’t catch it either. “L” is the 2nd backup. (Guess which girl she is? Yep, maternity leave.) Nowhere in that “chain” does my name appear, and yet I was included in the raving email about no one doing their job. I was told that I was included as I am part of the team, and we all need to come together that something like this doesn’t happen again. Um… How about this? How about we don’t have marketers write notes about things they didn’t do. How about when they DO write things that they didn’t do, and don’t send out emails saying they did what they wrote that they did, but didn’t do, we don’t have a girl on vacation whose backup has quit and 2nd backup is out on maternity leave? WTF? Sometimes supervisors are out of their freaking gourds…

Well, according to the email I just got, the system is back up and running, so time to try and slam out some work. And hope that no one makes changes that they don't make. Or at leasts emails about not doing it... Uh, what?

Soup Sandwich

2008-07-11T15:12:00.002-05:00

So, whose karmic Cheerios did I piss in? I’d have to say that, whomever it was, we are most assuredly paid in full.

I was driving home from work the other night, just as the ever-present afternoon monsoon was starting up. I pull out of the driveway at work and ‘errrrrk’ my windshield wipers stopped working. Twenty fretful minutes later, I arrived home alive, somehow. I think it’s a fuse (at least I hope it is, ‘cause otherwise I’ll have to replace the wiper motor, which promises to be a great big load of “not fun”. I haven't even had time to check it out, as my few spare daylight hours have been spent on other matters, as will soon become clear.

Sheeps has not landed a job yet, but the prospect is there. The one job that we really want is still in process. It pays well, and will be great for us, but it is taking soooo long. She has a 2nd interview on Monday; more of a info session with one of the directors she’ll be working closely with. This is a very good sign, but it still means 2-3 more weeks of processing. Damn university jobs! We have a small nest egg set aside to get us through this period, but it is getting tight.

That's about when we discovered that the foyer was sitting in about an inch of water. It would seem that the water heater finally gave up the ghost. It was 25 years old, so it most assuredly had done its duty, but still… Why now? Water was leaking out of the top of the thing and dripping down the sides. Not good. We couldn’t even turn it off, as the valve just spun. It was “live with the water dripping ‘til we can get it replaced' or turn off water throughout the entire house. That wasn’t an option, so it was 'multiple sponges in the hall' time. Oh, well, the parquet floor needed replacing, anyway.

It is a gas heater, so the change-out is beyond my meager mechanical skills. Lowe’s advertises that they install appliances, often the same day, so we decided to let them do the dirty work. We looked on the website to price out heaters and check for installation, and, sure enough, they replace water heaters. We called the 1-800 number and after verifying that it was a gas heater, the clerk tried to “ring us up” right then and there for the $300 heater and installation fee of $300. We said that we’d prefer to do it “in store”, and she cautioned that they only had 1 left. We decided to chance it and go in the next morning. Oddly enough, they had plenty in stock. We even decided to upgrade an extra 10 gallons and go from a 30 to a 40, as it was only $10 more.

We weren’t sure if they delivered when they came to install, or if we’d have to drag the thing with us to the register. We hit the friendly “need help?” button, and shortly 2 associates appeared. We asked how to start the process of purchasing installation, but they both firmly denied that they installed gas heaters. “But the clerk on the phone said you did, and wanted to take our money there.” “She must not have known it was gas.” “She specifically asked if it was gas, propane or electric.” “Well, she was wrong.” “It says right here on the box ‘Installation guaranteed’.” “We’ll call our installation team and check.” They walked around the corner, and were back in less than 30 seconds. There’s no way they could have called in that time. “No, they don’t do it. You need to call a plumber.” So, grumpily, we carted the heater with the message on the box that they did install and guaranteed it, and headed for the check out counter. “Do you want to purchase a 5 year warranty on that for only $50?” “Uh, no.” I don’t think we’ll need that, as the box says it is warranted for 6 years… I am not at all happy with Lowe’s right now.

To make matters worse, I got food poisoning from lunch at Subway, and spent a good portion of the early evening at work, painting the walls of the bathroom a particular shade of used roast beef. I couldn’t even go home, as a certain “short timer” decided to call in sick that day (yesterday). I had to pick up some of his slack, in addition to my already full workload. There was no way I could go home early. I barely managed to get out “on time” as it was. I should have taken today off and rested, but I knew in my soul that he was going to skate out on today, as well. And I was right. There is a disgruntled co-worker in his very near future...

So, in the meanwhile, we call the plumber who has done work for me before, and he can’t get there that day. He said he’d come by the next morning (today) and give an estimate. Well, he estimated, all right. The turn off valve at the heater was broken and needed replacing (we knew this, as we couldn’t shut it off), and the gas vent to the outside was too small and out of code, and also needed to be replaced. I didn’t know that, but am not surprised, as the house was built over 50 years ago. All told, the bill came to $700. The $600 repair that we really couldn’t afford is now over a grand. Sigh. It was something that had to get done, and at least I know it was done professionally. Did I mention that Lowe’s really pisses me off?

Well, we may be poor, but we're poor with hot water!

And to top it all off, we get to travel to Tampa again this weekend, to finish the work on the townhouse, and get it ready for sale. Joy. At least we had last weekend off to relax.

Now it’s time to tighten the belts, and hope UF wants Sheeps for the job, and that they can get their act together and get her working before another month rolls around…

Gakked from Marius

2008-07-02T15:36:00.003-05:00

Here's what you need to do if you want to do this mosaic:

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker.

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One Word to describe you.
12. Your flickr name.

Here is my mosaic:

2008-06-26T12:16:00.002-05:00

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list in your own Blog so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them

(I think I'll post a reply to this and include a 'clean copy', for anyone else who may wish to participate, as cleaning this up was a pain...)

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexander Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Finally, a place for his stuff...

2008-06-23T10:24:00.003-05:00

Recently, fellow blogger Marius quipped that God must be getting ready to make one helluva movie, as he was snatching up great actors and effects people left and right. Well, this blockbuster is obviously going to be rated R, as he took George Carlin from us on Sunday. He "passed away". He had a "terminal episode". It was a "negative patient outcome".

Or, just maybe, considering his parody “Frisbeetarianism”, his soul now rests on the roof…

In the spirit of Lenny Bruce, Carlin was as filthy mouthed as they came, and, like Bruce, he backed it up with a brilliant mind, making observations on everything, from the use of language and its taboos, to politics and religion. His pondering influenced just about every single modern day comedian.

In addition to a ton of HBO specials, Carlin was the first host, ever, on “Saturday Night Live”. He appeared on the “Tonight Show” about a squillion times. He was the all-knowing Rufus in the Bill and Ted adventures. He shocked some folks by toning down the adult-only nature and narrating “Thomas the Tank Engine” and by hosting “Shining Time Station” on PBS. He was the “kind of asshole who would bless his golf clubs for a better game,” in “Dogma”, playing Cardinal Ignatius Glick. He even proved he could be a serious actor, but did so, unfortunately, in the horrific dreck of a film, “Jersey Girl”.

The material in his later years was less cutting edge observations, and more along the lines of angry rants, but he still managed to hit nerves and make people laugh, and, more importantly, he made us think. He compared life to a roller coaster, and urged Americans to lighten up a little and have a bit of “dangerous fun”.

Carlin always joked about his health, comparing himself Richard Pryor in the Comedian Health Sweepstakes.

“An update on the comedian health sweepstakes. I currently lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks 2 to 1. But Richard still leads me 1 to nothing in burning yourself up. See, it happened like this. First Richard had a heart attack. Then I had a heart attack. Then Richard burned himself up. And I said, 'Fuck that. I'm having another heart attack!”

Pryor left us 3 years ago. I guess Carlin finally won the sweepstakes.

In honor of a brilliant man, I end this with seven appropriate words: Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits.

Birthday musings

2008-06-13T15:22:00.002-05:00

I have a couple of friends, T and K, who have been together for something like 25 years now. They have loved each other and made it work while I have been through one relationship after another during the same timeframe. In fact, a lot of people I know have been in and out of relationships during this time. A lot. Yet T and K have found the magical formula and have stayed together. They know what true love really means, and I envy them. I think that I’ve finally found “the one”, and hope our relationship will be as good as theirs.

Only… I’m a lot luckier. I got to marry my love. Y’see, T and K are both men. They’re gay. The law says they can’t get married. I don’t get it. They’re in a relationship regardless of a piece of paper, so the effect is already there. They both work, they pay their taxes… They do all they things everyone else does. Except have a wedding. Because that would destroy the sanctity of the institution. Right? Like we hetero’s haven’t already destroyed marriage. I think that’s a ridiculous response from a bunch of bigots who can present no rational reason why homosexuals should not wed.

I’ve been their friend for a very long time. Their “gayness” hasn’t rubbed off on me, nor anyone else. Nor has our heterosexuality rubbed off on them. They live ordinary lives. They are not freaks. There isn’t a damn thing wrong with them. So why are they so ostracized? What’s the big whup?

California finally got their act together and allowed marriage between the same gender. It’s about time we realize that they’ve the same rights as we do. It really isn’t that big a deal. Yet, the controversy still remains, and some are still up in arms over the law.

Take Kern County Clerk Ann Barnett, out in Bakersfield, CA, for example. As of the 17th of this month, when the law takes effect, she is banning all civil weddings in her jurisdiction. Everyone can still get married; they just can’t do it at the courthouse. She claims that it would overwhelm her staff and pose security risks. Right….. It’s surely just a coincidence that she made said announcement only after learning she could not marry only couples of her choosing. It doesn’t matter that she’s banning everyone, homosexual and straight. The fact that she’s doing it at all shows her bigotry. She really should be fired. Her attitude is archaic, and has no place in such a position. Any position, for that matter.

It’d be nice when it is no longer an issue, and the real question before a wedding is not whether they stand or sit when they pee, but rather whether or not the couple is in love.

Wishful thinking, no?

Through the Looking Glass

2008-06-09T15:51:00.003-05:00

So, I’ve been waiting to have my windshield replaced…

A while back the windshield on my van got cracked by a woodpecker. I’m not talking about those little grey suckers you seek rapping on telephone poles. I mean the pileated woodpecker – the ginormous one. You know, the inspiration for woody woodpecker? These suckers are large. Huge.

I park ‘neath a juniper tree, and it seems that some of the berries lodged under my wiper blades. I guess that an all bug regimen is right out for these birds, and he wanted to add some fruit to his diet. Someone came into the office and told me that a woodpecker was pecking at my windshield. I really didn’t believe them, but went outside and looked. Sure enough, there he was, pecking away. I shooed him off, but the damage had already been done. There was a tiny crack in the glass.

It was small, so I ignored it. Not the thing to do in this climate, as the days heated up and the crack grew in intensity. It went from a fraction of an inch, to a snaking think of about 18 inches. In Florida, your insurer pays to have the front windshield replaced, but I just never got around it. Finally, about a week ago, I started the process. My insurer referred me to their glass claims folk. The number they gave me was wrong. I finally found the correct number on my insurer’s website. Sheesh.

The glass folk didn’t seem to want to answer their phones. I called and called and kept getting the “all operators are busy, please leave your number” message. They didn’t return my calls, so I kept calling. I finally got through, and the process from there was relatively painless. They didn’t even ask how it happened, for which I am extremely grateful. We settled on a local glass firm, and the paperwork was faxed to them. I spoke with the glass company, and it took a week to get the glass in, and make an appointment, scheduled for today.

I received a call on Saturday, but it went to voicemail. It was the girl from the glass company, reaffirming the appointment “between 10am and noon, tomorrow.” Wait! That would make it Sunday! I just assumed that she meant Monday, and went about my business. The appointment time came and went, and no sign from the tech. I called the company to confirm the appointment, and the girl said the weekend girls were mistaken, but I was definitely scheduled, for some time in the afternoon.

I ran down the street at lunchtime to grab a quick sandwich and, sure enough, that’s when the tech called. I figured he was at the office looking for me. Turns out he was lost. I started to give quick directions, and he mentioned that he wasn’t from around here, so the landmarks meant nothing. “Where are you coming from?” I asked, as I headed back toward the office. He started to describe the road he was on and the buildings he was passing. Roundabout? New townhomes? Regions Bank?? Heh, I just passed them myself! Dude!! I looked in the mirror, and sure enough, he was right behind me. “See that blue van in front of you? Just follow it.” He followed me back to work, and I parked away from the other cars, so he could work.

He mentioned that he was from Titusville, and drove up here every day to work. It seems Gainesville has a lot more glass claims than Titusville does… I wonder how much installers make, if they can afford to drive two hours every day, each way, to work? Yikes. Oh, well, I’m not paying for it.

I don’t know why I am so excited about it. It’s just a windshield! But yet, the almost feeling of Christmas is upon me, and I can’t wait to get out of here and drive my new windshield home. Is that too weird?

And on the Kitty Front, things are getting better. There's still a bit of histrionics going on, and no one cat seems to like any other, the level of "tolerance" is increasing. The hissing has mostly stopped and has reverted to a matter of kitty mumbling and grumbling when they're near each other. Gray Kitty seems to be the last holdout. He still hisses at all the others, and hides under the bed most of the time. If he doesn't chill out soon, it may be time to find him a new, preferably single cat, home. "The good of the many" and all that rot...

Cats in the Cradle...

2008-06-06T10:32:00.002-05:00

Sigh. Life with cats. Sigh.

We're making progress, but it is slow. Impy is still not getting along with the other cats, but at least he is getting better. He no longer attacks everything that moves (and some that didn't). He doesn't his and spit at every cat he sees. Well, at least not all the time. He has chilled a bit and now wants his Mama-cuddle time. He has mostly reduced his protestations to little "meeps". Slowly...

Purrsey continues to amaze. Instead of living a "life in one room" philosophy, she has been much more social. She's still not a "rub against your leg" kind of cat, but the improvement is remarkable.

Sophia has mostly settled in. She is still loving, and will "do your hair" (ech!), but mostly avoids the other cats. No hissing or fuss - she just wanders off when the others come around.

Oliver has adopted a "whatever" attitude. He just finds himself a nice place to lay down, and ignores the rest. He still wants to make friends with the others, and makes the occasional foray into nose-sniffing with the others, but whereas they sniff back, then growl, he shrugs, finds a nice spot, and plops down. "All in good time," he seems to be thinking.

Gray Kitty... Oh, GK. GK, GK, GK! We came home from dinner last night, and he made another break for it. The moment I unlocked the door and turned the handle, he as waiting. Bolted right past us and out the door. I'd already declared him on probation, and that was, to me, the last straw. If he doesn't want to live here, fine! I was all for taking him to the pound when he showed up in the morning for his food fix, which was inevitable that do, but Sheeps talked me down. Yes, that would be the kiss of death for him, and I'd have that on my conscience. She says that this is his way of dealing with the other cats. He mostly hides during the day, except when he comes out to eat. I am still not at all happy with him, but I'm letting it simmer...

He did, indeed, show up in the morning, yowling at the door, wanting his breakfast. When he saw that it was me opening the door, he did not immediately come in. He wandered a few feet away and layed down. I went out to fetch him, and he got up and ran inside. His avoidance didn't buy him much love from me. He was caught up, lectured sternly, and bathed. He abhors getting baths, and made his displeasure known, but he didn't struggle nearly as much as he usually does. I think he knows he's in big trouble. Huge. It is very hard hating a critter that you love so much, but he's making it too easy of late...

Sigh.

What's New, Pussycat?

2008-06-04T16:49:00.002-05:00

So, life in the world of a 5 cat household moves on...

All cats have been "integrated" now, though none of them seem to be getting along with any of the others. Mostly they just hiss and growl at each other. At least they're not trying to take each others heads off any more... It was meeting night, though, and would be the first time we'd left them all completely alone, so we didn't know what we'd face.

I got off work yesterday and headed home to pick up Sheeps and head out for the Baronial meeting. Afterwards, a few of us headed out for dinner at Fazoli's. It isn't anything special, but it is cheap and fast. And, it was right across the street from a bookstore, and Sheeps needed some new reading material.

No one seemed to be in any hurry to leave dinner, so a few of us just hung out and talked about this and that. Well, I know why I wasn't in a hurry to go - I was waiting for them to brew a fresh batch of unsweet tea... We all finally decided that we'd delayed long enough, and went our separate ways. Most went home; we headed to the bookstore.

I found a kewl book on one of the display tables out front. I didn't even get beyond the main aisle before finding my next purchase. It is a book of warriors through the ages, and with all the re-enactment groups around, it is chock full of pictures and diagrams. Very nifty. Sheeps found a couple of books for herself, and we headed for home.

Upon pulling into the driveway, I saw a familiar orange and white tabby in the driveway. What the hell is Oliver doing outside?? Oliver bolted for the half-open door, and Gray Kitty was there beside him, but GK veered right and ran for the neighbhor's yard. Sheeps leapt out of the car in an effort to cut him off, but, in the dark, ran into the crossbar of the lamppost out front. She slammed her noggin' but good, and the gray demon ran off. We went inside to check on the other cats, as none of those three are used to the house or the neighborhood. Luckily, all three of hers were still inside. Thank goodness! That's a hunt I did not want to undertake. We made a token effort to find GK, but I knew that he would hide and run from us, so it was mostly pointless. He'd be back in the morning, expecting breakfast.

As near as we can figure, the door couldn't have been open for too long. It must not have latched completely. UPS had delivered a package earlier (for whatever reason, they don't deliver in my neighborhood until 7 or 8 at night) and his knocking on the door must have jarred it loose.

GK hasn't made me too happy lately. Can't say that I'm too fond of him right now. For whatever reason, he poops just outside the litter box. He's been making several breaks for it lately, and runs and hides from us, instead of coming when called. He'd better watch his act over the next week or two, 'cause I've now got a surplus of cats and very well might consider paring it down by one...

No, I can't truly blame him for Sheeps bump on the head, but if he hadn't been outside, or didn't run from us when he is, she wouldn't have gone running through the yard in the dark to start with. Yeah, he's definitely on probation.

As for the rest of them, it is baby steps. One small step at a time. Last night was the revolving door of kitties through the bed. One would jump on the bed and sleep with us for a little while, until the next one would jump up, his at the current occupant, who would then leave, and the newcomer would take its place. Imagine this, all night long, spread among 3 cats in a continuous cycle. Purrsey stayed out in the living room, and seems content to look down at the world from her new found perch.

But all in all, things are starting to click. The hissing will eventually stop, and maybe some friendships will begin. Stay tuned...

Kitty Update

2008-06-03T10:39:00.000-05:00

Before I continue the tale of the “kitty melting pot”, perhaps I should give a brief rundown on particular cat personality…

Hers:

Impedicles, aka Impy: Very friendly, if a bit high-strung orange tabby. He’s a young cat, full of boundless energy, and he is a mama’s boy. She can do anything to him, and he just purrs. He tends to play a little too rough (except with mama). He has the cutest Mike Tyson voice, which does not match his lean, stocky body and bowed front legs. He has a very “happy-go-lucky” nature about him.

Sophia: The youngest of the brood, and the sweetest. A black tabby that is a tad shy around strangers, but very loving. Very outgoing and affectionate. She is, essentially, Impy’s playmate. They chase each other all day long.

Purrsephone, aka Purrsy aka Ms. Grrrrr: The “old lady” of the bunch, and a grouchy one at that. She does not tolerate the others, at all. In fact, Mama is the only one who can really come near her without a bunch of growling and hissing. She is a beautiful calico, but spends most of her day hiding in her favorite niches, growling at the world.

Mine:

Gray Kitty: As the name implies, he is gray, but he is definitely not a kitty. He is full grown, full blown. He’s large. He’s poofy. GK is a long haired Maine Coon and is absolutely gorgeous. Unfortunately, he is utterly stupid. I don’t say that to be mean. He’s just dumb as a stump. Very, very, very loving, very outgoing, and relatively mild mannered.

Oliver: The absolute oldest of the bunch, and is a very mild mannered orange tabby. He is loving, but more so to certain individuals. He prefers girls. He loves his Daddy, but Mama is his special love. He’d much rather cuddle with Sheeps, but thinks Dad might be jealous, so doesn’t show it when he’s around. He’d rather be left alone to his own devices most of the time. GK constantly starts fights with him, mostly in play, but Oliver doesn’t put up with it and usually beats GK down, even though he is smaller (though not by much…). Oliver is master of the silent meow. He looks at you and opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. Good natured and mostly accepting of everything, though relatively shy.

All righty then! Intros have been completed, so let’s get on with the tale!

As previously mentioned, Impy has gone completely nuts. He growls and spits at everything, including his sisters, who he is used to. He has mellowed a bit, allowing Mama to give him attention, but he loses his mind at the merest sight of any of the other cats. He is taking the move the hardest. This is a shocker, as we figured he’d be one of the most acceptable. Not so. He is coming along, but slowly. For now, he is still locked up in the spare bedroom, alone. Sheeps goes in and spends quality time with him, but we can’t let him out amongst the “herd” until he gets rid of his little homicidal streak that he displays upon the merest sight of any other cat.

Purrsey was the first to come out and be social. This is one we’d have never guessed in a squillion years. Yes, she still spits and hisses at all the others, and isn’t too interested in making friends, but is at least sociable to people. She even lets me scratch her head, and can not get enough loving from Mama. Weird.

Sophia is essentially hiding from everything. We thought she’d be the first to adjust, but she just wants to hide from the world. If you can find her, she is still loving, but doesn’t want to come out.

Oliver is being the social butterfly, and wants to meet everyone. He did hiss at Impy, but only after receiving a growl from hell. He actually wanted to go up and make friends. For the most part, he is being friendly, but none of the others has shown any indication of being pals, just yet.

Gray Kitty has spent most of the time hiding under the bed, except for when he is hissing at Sophia, in the rare times when she ventures out of hiding. We thought he’d be the most outgoing of mine. We thought he’d love Sophia, but he seems to have taken an instant dislike to her. He just runs from Purrsey. Her growls scare the crap out of him.

So, all in all, one big happy family, right? Oy. Well, slow and steady, as they say. We knew from the start that this would be a difficult transition, and it has been. It just hasn’t been the way we expected, as all of the cats are acting contrary to their natures. One day at a time…

Movin' Right Along

2008-06-02T16:44:00.003-05:00

Ah, the joy of moving. Moving is, they say, like a vacuum cleaner. It sucks. It’s like a reverse Christmas. You take all of your cool stuff and put it *into* boxes…

Yes, we finally moved Sheeps up to G’ville this weekend. Well, Sunday, at any rate. After the wedding we each still had to go our respective ways, as she had yet another week of school to work. Everyone keeps asking me how married life is, but I have no valid response, as I hadn’t had a good show of it yet…

We’d been wondering when and how we were going to work this out, without making at least three trips to get us both down there, with only one car… Well this weekend past was Art/Sci, and Sheeps was obligated to go, as she is a Laurel, and had to judge. I was retaining for their Highnesses, so had to be there as well. It was (relatively) near my house, so we decided to day trip the event, and boogie out of there as soon as possible, and head for Tampa.

The event was nice, but quiet. It was being held a mere week after TMT, and with gas prices the way they are, there was little participation. Someone said there were only 15 entries. The few that were there were nice, though.

She did her judging thing, and I worked my shift with the Prince, and we bugged out early. We had to make a brief stop back by my house to pick up her purse (which she forgot in the rush to get out of the house on time) and to also pick up one strong-backed teenager that had been donated for the move. Gotta love friends. The downside is that we had to feed it, and, being a lanky teenager, he ate a lot. We even got to play Sheeps’ favorite new game – horrify the passengers with Stephen Lynch. Poor little Iain couldn’t believe what he was hearing. All he could say was “that guy is wrong!” And he’s right.

By the time we got through the drive and had dinner to boot, it was approaching “late”. Okay, it was only 10ish, but it had been a busy day that started very early, and I’d worked at the bar the night before, so we were tired. We left the “kidling” downstairs on the couch with a TV and a remote, and we headed to bed. There was still more packing to do, but we decided to get up early instead of staying up late...

We got up very early the next morning and worked on throwing the rest of her stuff into boxes. We had a couple of hours to work before it was time to pick up the truck, and Sheeps had to head off to work her last day. Ah, the truck. She had reserved it 6 weeks in advance, and got the confirmation call the day before, while we were at A/S. The place they’d assigned her to was an hour’s drive away from her house. She was a bit upset and called the national reservation line. Surely there had to be something closer?! Of course there was. They reassigned her to a place about 20 minutes from her house, which was much better. The fact that we’d passed a UHaul business a mere mile from her home was a bit frustrating… We arrived at the address 30 minutes early, and settled in to wait. For whatever reason, a lot of these places are put in less than savory neighborhoods, and this one was no exception. Other than one woman trying to sell us her unruly child (“Did he lift heavy things,” I asked…), the wait was uneventful. They finally opened and we paid for the truck and waited for it to be pulled up outside. It was a lot smaller than either of us had anticipated, but “we’ll make it work” I said, and sent her off to work, while I headed back to her place.

I arrived back at the house just in time to greet the “helpers” that started showing up. We had quite a few hands, so it wasn’t to bad on anyone, but it was still moving! The process consisted of getting the big stuff and all the boxes into the truck, packing up what was left, and herding cats all the while.

I’d shut them in the one bedroom for a while, but we needed to get in there and get stuff, so we went to shift them. Only, the door was locked. “What do you mean, locked?” I didn’t lock it! “It’s locked!” It was the simple button lock that you can open by pushing a wire through the small hole, so we soon had it open. It occurred to me later that that kind of lock can not be locked from the outside. It unlocks if the door is opened then shut. The only explanation was that Impy had locked the door from the inside. He’d somehow reached up and pushed the lock button… It’s the only way!

Marius was one of the helpers, and go to meet Impy, who was acting very, very uncharacteristically. He was the sweetest thing. This is not Impy! Well, he can be sweet… just before he draws blood... But the move must have had him disoriented, and he wasn’t himself. Impy, not Marius. Marius was his usual self. Marius was responsible for the one truly funny moment. To me, anyway. He carried Sheeps’ exercise bike down the stairs, all by himself. I marveled at that, as I was the one who had to carry it up there, after she’d purchased it. Of course, it was in a flat box at the time, so was a bit bulkier, with the weight spread out strangely… Anyhoo, after I said something regarding his accomplishment, he just pshawed and pointed out that it had wheels on the back, which made it easier. His only regret was that it didn’t fold up smaller. As he said this, the big bolt holding the adjustment arm loosened up enough and the bike neatly folded itself smaller. “Like that?” I asked? Sometimes life just hands you great moments.

Speaking of cats, everyone has been wondering how well ours were going to integrate. Well, they haven’t, yet. Hers are being kept in the spare bedroom until they settle down a bit. Especially Impy. He has gone completely feral. He is attacking anything and everything, including his beloved Mama. She can usually do things with him that most cats would freak over. (Like holding him upside down while rubbing his belly.) She can do no wrong in his eyes, but he was coming after her with a vengeance after the ride. He bloodied her up pretty good. Then he hid in the closet and growled whenever anyone walked into the room. As of this morning, he is doing better, but only slightly. His Mama brought breakfast in and he came out and ate, growling the whole time, but he didn’t attack her. He’ll eventually settle down and we’ll get on with the trauma of introducing them all. For now, they get to smell each other under the door…

Noonish came, and I had to make a trip to Wally World to pick up a tarp, and to grab sodas and lunch for the crew. As we were walking in, we noticed a man sitting on a bench in the foyer area, with a suitcase beside him. ‘Oh, no!’ I thought, but he remained quiet as folks passed him. Okay, maybe he's not as freaky as he looks. But, sure enough, my freak-magnet was on, and the moment I walked by he launched into a tirade about “Bathrooms having no baths; no parking on parkways; no driving on driveways; no walls at Walmart…” “At least there’s a nut in the nuthouse,” was my response, which seemed to shut him back up.

Lunch was fed to the crew, and Sheeps got home from work in time to supervise the last little bit, and to round up the kitties into their PTU's. (Prisoner Transport Units) They were not at all happy about that part, and were perfectly willing to let the world know it. I was just happy that I was not the one who had to ride with fuss the whole way. Luckily for Sheeps, they settled down once on the road.

The drive north wasn’t too bad, but did have a couple of scary moments. We’d hit a couple of good storms, and the wind knocked the truck around a lot, but we still made pretty good time, and arrived in G’ville right around the time I thought we would, with a crew waiting in the front yard to unload.

The unloading went fairly fast, but, as we are mixing two households full of furniture, things were essentially piled up in the living room. It is now jam-packed, floor to ceiling, with her stuff. She is going to spend the next few days figuring out what goes where, and we’ll sort out what goes to Goodwill… Mostly my stuff, I’m sure. Her stuff is all antiques, while mine is, mostly, bachelor furniture. That’s fine. As long as we make one house out of two, eventually, everything will be fine. If we can get the cats to get along…

Stay tuned for more in the saga of General Cat-Bitchin’…

Robert Asprin, R.I.P.

2008-05-23T11:45:00.002-05:00

The Science Fiction/Fantasy community took another hit yesterday, as pun-master Robert Asprin passed from this mortal coil.

He played in the SCA in its early years, being one of the founders of the Great Dark Horde. Supposedly he stormed off one day in a fit of pique, and never returned. Some who had met him say he was a real asshat, but that was his persona, and he played it well. I couldn't say, as I am among those who never did make his acquaintance. I did like his work, though.

He is best known for putting together and editing the Thieves World series, for his silly Phule's Legion series, and his pun-riddled Myth series. I've waded through all three, and enjoyed them thoroughly. He had a talent for mirth, filling his pages with puns so bad one would groan aloud. It is the mark of a great writer to be so gawd-awful painful, while entertaining so well.

G'night Mr. A. You'll be sorely mythed.

Olio

2008-05-22T13:04:00.001-05:00

So many pieces of odd this week….

Todd Davis, the founder of “Lifelock”, the identity security firm, seems to be in deep dookey. You know the guy… The one in the commercials, running around showing off his Social Security Number, daring anyone to steal his identity? Well, apparently several folks have successfully done so, and now he is being sued for fraud. Sucks to be you. And you. And you…

Then, there is this. I’d heard they’d cloned a dog, and, jokingly, thought to myself, ‘How long before they offer this as a service for doting pet owners?’ “Not long at all” is the obvious answer. Yikes.

And so David is the big winner of American Idol! Yay! I was rooting for David. Or was it David? Either way, I knew David would win! Actually, I don’t give a flying fig, and haven’t watched a single episode, though, from what I hear, the whole season was, basically, a train wreck full of nuns. It was horrific, but people just couldn’t turn away…

From the “what the hell were they thinking” files, a couple of vandals hit Stone Henge this week. They were, apparently, looking for souvenirs, so they took to the 5000 year old edifice with a hammer and screwdriver, and were chased off by security guards. And here I was thinking that Ancient Artifact Defacement Day wasn’t for another month….

Speaking of morons, I worked at the bar last night. It is “Summer A” session, and things are about as slow as they get. I was working alone, as they’d sent my co-bartender home, for lack of business. By 11:30, after having been serving for 2 hours, we’d made $8 between the two of us. I’d like to say that it was busy enough to keep me hopping, but I was, basically, sitting around with my hands in my pockets for most of the evening. One “gentleman”, asked to close out his tab. I ran the credit card and handed him the slips. He picked them up and, being that he was somewhat intoxicated, not so stealthily turned around and ran out the door. What, precisely, were you trying to accomplish, Mr. Tard? All I need do is press a button to reprint the slips; I ‘swiped’ the card instead of running the numbers; and I have you on security camera making your orders. You *will* be charged for your purchases. The only thing you got away with was not tipping me, as I can’t add a tip onto the charge. But now, because of your slick maneuver, we are all aware of what a complete jackass you are and you’re banned from the bar. Nice work, ass-hat.

Last night was also the 2 year anniversary of Scout’s death. He died at a fighter practice in my backyard. I was pretty torn up over his death, and still have some lingering issues. Time heals all wounds, they say. They just don’t say how much time…

On a positive note, I shall be getting’ hitched this weekend, so the week should end on a upswing. Have a great weekend, everybody!

Keepin' it Normal...

2008-05-15T18:04:00.002-05:00

I don't know why this has stuck in my craw the way it has, but maybe putting it in writing will be a catharsis.

I had stopped at Publix the other night on my way home from work. The Destructo-cats were almost out of dry food, and I needed to pick up something for dinner, anyway.

As I was walking out, I passed a father walking into the store with his young daughter. It was her query to her father that caught my attention.

"Can we, Papa? Isn't that what normal people do?"

Normal people? What's this all about?

"No. We're not normal people. Normal people serve people like us..."

And they walked into the store, and out of my life, leaving me standing there, agape, wondering WTF??

Perhaps I took the conversation out of context. Granted, I didn't know which activity the kidling wanted to pursue, and what their definition of normal people was as applied to her.

Yet, I just can't help but conclusion-jump to the whole superiority thing, and get a little miffed. Not terribly miffed, but enough to remember the issue a few days later... Who the hell does he think he is? How dare he pass on his "airs" to a a small child growing up in this society wherein we are all created equal and endowed with certain unalienable rights?

Oh, well. The eletists generally get their comeuppance, anyway. Don't they?

Loomis Re-visited

2008-05-06T09:56:00.004-05:00

I suppose that I should start with a little background information, though I'm sure I've mentioned him somewhere in the dark ages of this blog. Loomis was my neighbor’s cat. He was old as dirt, and deaf as a post. He was skinny as a rail, and weighed next to nothing. He was very skittish, and unwary of new faces, but he took to me right away. He loved getting ear-scratchies from me. For whatever reason, he adopted me. Literally. You hear that all the time in regards to cats, but this couldn’t be truer. Even though he “lived” next door, and even though I didn’t feed him, he preferred to hang out on my porch. He would wait in the middle of the driveway for me to get home at night. I'd pull in and stop and wait, while he would get up from where he was lying, and pad softly to the porch. He decided that my porch was his home, and I was his “master”.

One day Loomis started making a ruckus. He had a rather loud voice, and used it well to get my attention. He started yowling at all hours of day and night. I was wondering what was wrong with him, and thought that I might want to speak with my neighbors, when I noticed that they’d moved. One day they were there, the next they were gone. And they'd left Loomis. He was yowling because his source of food had dried up, and he knew I was the one who should be feeding him anyway, so I started feeding him. Suddenly, Loomis was truly mine. Well, as "mine" as a cat like Loomis could get. He was a cat that made his own way in life.

I’d never let him in the house, as he’d been an outdoor cat all his life, and my other two were strictly the indoor variety. There was no telling what interesting kitty diseases Loomis might introduce…. Yet, still, he was my cat. Well, he was my “half cat”. When people learned I had cats, and would ask how many, I’d reply two and a half. No one truly owned a cat like Loomis. Not fully. Not all of him.

Even though he was old (he was 16 when the neighbors moved in, and stayed with me for about 6 years) and stone deaf, he was still a great hunter. He would, on occasion, leave me little bird trophies on the doorstep. A gift, if you will. And he was a scrapper. He couldn’t have weighed more than 5 pounds, but he was the toughest cat in the neighborhood.

Toward his latter days, all he did was, mostly, sleep. He no longer met me in the driveway. I no longer got a share of his spoils, as kibble was all he could catch. Then, one day, he just disappeared. I called animal control, to see if he’d been picked up, but he hadn’t. He was just gone. The most likely explanation was that he’d crawled off somewhere, went to sleep the long sleep. I’d searched around the yard and likely neighborhood spots, but could not find his body.

That was a couple of years ago. Fade to present day.

Some able bodied friends came over, and brought their trucks, so we were able to clear out the porch. It had been the storage place for some former roommates. They’d left several pieces of large exercise equipment, including a Soloflex and an all-in-one machine. We had the manpower, and the vehicles to transfer the equipment to the exes new place, and were taking advantage of the timing.

Four of us grabbed the all-in-one (it was quite heavy) and lifted it onto the truck. Sheeps was supervising, and gasped in shock. Between the weights and the frame of the machine was a small skull and a bit of fur. She deduced right away that it had to be Loomis. We quickly got the bones out of her sight and disposed of them.

I felt miserable for a little while, knowing that he’d died back there, alone, even though I would have never found him without moving the machine, which was too heavy to move on my own. It then occurred to me that even though he died alone, he did it in a place where he felt safe and loved. He curled up in a place he was comfortable, went to sleep, and never woke up. He chose to die in the place he chose to live. He made his own way in life, and made his own way in death. I suppose that’s not such a bad way to go…

"There is no gene for the human spirit..."

2008-04-28T08:35:00.004-05:00

Wow. So it would seem that some members of Congress are Gattaca fans. Or, more to the point, aren't... Recent legislation is actually pretty foresighted of them...

My Dumbass Nephew

2008-04-25T17:16:00.004-05:00

So, I heard from Mom the other day. Most everything is fine. She says that if I don't call her more often, she's going to move to G'ville, build a 2nd story on my house, and live there. The inside joke is that I once remarked that I was so glad that I didn't live downstairs from her, the way she clomps around... (She's had trouble with her ankle for a while, and has a bad back to boot - she tends to clomp...)

"Tom's Aunt" is coming to visit her for 2 weeks. Now, there's a reason why my mother calls her "Tom's Aunt" (Tom is my brother) instead of "my sister" or even simply "Verna". She's nuts. Not special white coat with extra long sleeves nuts, but more along the lines of "ohmygawd I don't know this woman" nuts. She lives in Waco, TX, right across the lake from the Davidian Compound. Her comment on that was "We sawr it burnin' and like ta wished we had some marshmellers." (Yes, she has a very, very heavy Texas accent.) Yikes. And she's staying for 2 whole weeks. It'll be a miracle if they don't kill each other.

And the bad news... It seems that my chats with Mom always contain some bad news. My nephew and I have never really gotten along. My mom claims it is because I resent him as he took away my "Sissy", who pretty much raised me (and the rest of the crew). I'm really not sure about all that Freudian stuff. I owe it to the fact that Ben is an asshole. Always has been, even as a child. This kid has the remarkable ability to piss you off in a heartbeat. He seems to always automatically know just what buttons to push to get you irritated, and pushes them with glee. And it is not just me. This is how he interacts with everyone.

Worse yet, he thinks he is eight feet tall, and bulletproof. He thinks he is a lot "badder" than he is. He is on the smallish side. He is only about 5'6" and weighs about a buck-fifty. Okay, maybe that isn't tiny, but he is nowhere near the brutish size of most of my family....

I've been warning him for years on end that he was going to get his ass handed to him one day. Someone wasn't going to take his particular brand of abuse, and would beat the hell out of him. Why it took this long, I'll never know....

He was in a bar, running his mouth, and insulted the wrong guy. They "took it outside", and this guy proceeded to whup the living tar out of Ben. Beat him senseless. (i.e. knocked him out) As he was unconcious, and his ear was bleeding, they "Trauma-Hawk"ed him to the hospital. (Trauma-Hawk is the heli-ambulance in the area.) All said and done, he is okay. He just had a broken ear drum. Still a bit serious, but nothing life threatening.

I'm just wondering if he has learned his lesson, or is 30 years of being a complete jerk just too much of an obstacle to overcome? Personally, I hope that he changes his ways, as he is my nephew and, while I loathe him at times, I still love him. Worse comes to worst, maybe he'll realize that he isn't so tough...

Geek-Fest

2008-04-25T17:16:00.001-05:00

The C-Note, the Friendly Tavern and the Lok-Nar

2008-04-17T19:47:00.002-05:00

As you all well know, things have been a bit... tepid at the bar. Well, that all changed last night with a $100 tip!! Okay, not really... A girl ordered a couple of drinks, and tipped a couple of dollars, which was fine. But on the customer copy of the c.c. receipt, she wrote $100 for the tip. A joke, I suppose, for her friends, or whatever. It didn't matter, as I'd already rung her ticket through, including the $2 tip. My co-worker found the receipt and freaked. She was very excited, to say the least (especially since we split the tips between the two of us). I noticed right away that it was the duplicate copy, and saw the name and knew I'd already cashed her out. I figured out the joke right away, but decided to let it carry on for a while. "G" kept showing it to everyone, and remarking that this girl wanted "into your pants, bad!" I finally broke the news to her, yet she was still trying to figure out how to make it true. The girl did, in fact, sign the copy, so we'd have a legitimate argument for it, but I don't work that way, and don't feel like paying back the bill later down the road when she complains.... It was a nice thought, though.

The bar manager found a great cartoon in the latest issue of Playboy, and hung it up over the bar. It shows two businessmen walking past a pub. The one is saying to the other, "It used to be called the Friendly Tavern..." The name on the window is the "Fuck You Bar". This is quite funny, as that is precisely the attitude a lot of the bar employees (not just ours) are getting lately. No one is making any money, and with limited customers, you want to get the best ones in. The lousy ones you just don't care about. "A glass of water? Fuck you!" It fits. Very apropos....

"K", the manager, recently downloaded "Heavy Metal" and transferred it to video tape, and has been playing it nightly, after the bar closes. He and I are the only employees old enough to remember the original release, and he's been gleefully sharing it with all the 'kids'. He's been trying to get me to stay and watch it with the 'gang', but I just don't have it in me. It really is a great movie, for what it is, or, more to the point, was, but I would rather get that extra hour and a half of sleep... Maybe some night. Sometime. Sure....

Cappin' my ass, and reverse racism....

2008-04-16T15:05:00.000-05:00

The bar has been pretty dismal, of late. The Fire Marshal’s edict that “no bar shalt go o’er occupancy” has really killed business. I’ve whined about it already, but bring it up again to point out that we now have a lot of “free time” on our hands while working. We sit around with out hands in our pockets, chatting with each other. There’s an old business philosophy that goes something along the lines of “time enough to lean, time enough to clean”, but to hell with that. Not for a whopping $3.15 an hour. For that, they buy my presence, and that’s about it. Anyway….., the point here is that we’re sitting around a lot, so we get to spot trouble even faster than before…

Last Friday, we’re standing there, and “Spikey Mikey” (this is actually not a made up blog name to protect the stupid) is railing on about his latest love, when I see potential trouble. A customer is drunk, starting to get rowdy, and trying to start a fight. I come around the bar to “straighten him out” and he whirls on me and tells me that he’s gonna pull out his “9” on me. For those not in the know, that would be street talk for a 9 millimeter pistol, the most common caliber on the market today. I am not terribly concerned, as, generally, those who brag the most about something are the least likely to come through. A hulking gorilla twice your size comes at you, you don’t “talk” about having a gun, you pull it out. In other words, you can usually tell when they are full of shit, and this kid was oozing it…. So I step in closer, get up in his face and get to use a favorite line from a favorite movie. “Go ahead! Skin that smokewagon!” Apparently, I was the only one in the bar that night that had seen “Tombstone”…. Nobody got it. Oh, well, *I* was amused! He made a move like he was reaching into his waistband at his back, and I simply continued the motion and arm-locked him. (I also notice that he was NOT carrying, as per my suspicion.) I hauled him to and through the front door, using his skull to open it for me. It was about this time that the door-guy woke up. The ‘tard tried to come back in and the bouncer rejected him. He stood at the door and made various threats, and said he was going to sue. He then started threatening the bouncer with his “9”, saying he would come back tomorrow night and shoot him. The idiot finally left, after about 5 minutes of idle threats. The bouncer told some wandering police officers about it, and they seemed singularly unconcerned. So much for police protection, but then again, we weren’t terribly concerned ourselves… This kid is apparently some judge’s son, and has been kicked out of almost every bar in Gainesville. Well, buddy, add another to your list of places you are not welcome.

On Sunday, Sheeps and I were having dinner at a local Chinese buffet. This is one of our favorites – not too expensive, and the food is decent. The waiter,. “Sam”, remembers us and our drink order. Kind of nice, yes? Well, there were three girls of “African American” decent eating there. (I find this a silly term, as I probably have as much tie to Africa as they do – at least I’ve been there….) Two of them ran out of the restaurant and jumped into their car and drove off. The third girl stayed behind. I don’t know why she didn’t try to run too…. The staff were complaining to her, in their limited English, about her friends. They were actually fairly calm, but were insistent that they would phone the police. She was screaming at them at the top of her lungs, railing that she wasn’t with them, and that she was being mistreated. The manager rung up someone else’s ticket while she was there, and she started screaming how he was over-charging her and trying to rip HER off! She was making quite a scene. Apparently she’d called her friends and they came back and paid, claiming that they’d just run out to get some money to pay. They were all screaming at the staff, and the first girl refused to pay, in the end. They all left, jumping into the same car (so much for not knowing them…), and speeding off so that the staff couldn’t get their license plate number. If you’re so innocent, what would you have to worry about? Hmmm….?

Now, I am generally not a prejudiced man. I’ll be honest and admit that my family is, to an extent, racist. I can’t really put too much blame on them for it, as they were raised in an era when that was the norm. It was all around them, and it was the way things were. They’ve gotten better over the years, but it still comes out.

Well, these young girls (I refuse to use the term ladies) sort of brought out a bit of racist in me. I hated them for what they did. I hated them for acting the way they did, and especially, I hated them for trying to turn the situation around and make themselves look like the victims. More than anything, I hated them for making Americans look like assholes. Both Sheeps and I apologized several times to Sam. We didn’t want him thinking that all Americans were such jerks. Oh, well, I suppose that we sort of are assholes, compared to the rest of the world, but we certainly didn’t need any help pointing that out!

Maxwell's Silver Hammer....

2008-04-09T11:37:00.002-05:00

went bang bang on my head. It would seem that I gave myself a minor concussion last Friday eve. Sheeps had come up for the weekend, and was helping me make the bed. (Yes, I actually wash the sheets every now and then!) While bending over to tuck the elasticized fitted sheet over the corner, I slammed my head into one of the shelves over my bed. Hard. I "whited" out, and fell, luckily onto the bed. Sheeps wanted me to call in sick to work, but it is next to impossible to call in and get a replacement 15 minutes before your shift on a Friday. It turned out that they were short-handed as it was... Being woozy, I had Sheeps drive me in, and just worked through the massive headache. The headache that has managed to hang on tenaciously, but it is getting better.

The bar has been weird. The Fire Marshall has been checking over us the last couple of months. All the bars in the area, actually. They’re making sure that no one exceeds their maximum occupancy limits. Which really bites. I can understand the safety aspect of it, trying to keep the crowds down in case of emergency, but they’re really hurting the incomes of these bars, not to mention the drastically reduced tips of the bartenders… We stand around, most of the night, with our hands in our pockets, doing nothing. It is hurting the bar owners, and it is hurting the employees. 120 people in my bar is next to nothing. It hurts worse when you have cheapskates who don’t tip taking up room that a tipping customer could occupy, but we’ve got to hold the crowds outside, with a “one in, one out” policy. It really sucks. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

I am pretty sure it is one of Bernie Mac’s little schemes. Bernie Machen comes from Utah and is a “Super Mormon, don’t drink it’s a sin and you’ll burn in hell” kind of University President. He is actively trying to get all the bars around the university to shut down. What he isn’t thinking about, and doesn’t want to hear, is that the students are going to party any way. They’ll still go to bars and get hammered. Only thing is, they’ll have to drive to the bars, as there won’t be any within walking distance. That’s gonna put a whole bunch of drunk drivers on the road. Folks who would normally just leave and stagger the couple of blocks home. Now, they’re going to be getting behind the wheel to get home.

I’m almost glad I’m getting out of the business soon. I will be quitting the bartending soon for several reasons. Sheeps is moving up, and that’ll help with the bills, so I won’t need to bust my butt to get everything paid. The tips have just sucked lately, and more so because of the limited occupancy. And more than anything else, I’m just getting too old for this shit. I’m tired of working ‘til 4 in the morning. I’m tired of dealing with the crap of people half my age. I’m just plain tired. I think it’s getting time to go. Yeah, I’ll miss it. Probably a lot. But I think I’ll enjoy my extra time more. Hey?

It's been a while...

2008-04-02T19:22:00.003-05:00

Yeah, I've been a slacker. I've been remiss. I've posted nothing of any content, and little of no content, in a long time. Part of the "problem" is that my computer up and bit the big one. Pushing daisies. It's dead, Jim. I have no access to the ether from home, and no time at work. Another part is that I really just haven't felt like it. I haven't been inspired to write down my life's events. This comes, in part, from a shaky start to the year.

In January, I had friends die. One every week, as a matter of fact. It was truly scary. One had lost her job and couldn't afford her medication for diabetes. She ended up bleeding out internally. For heavens sake, don't let this happen again! I don't have much at all, but I will surely see that folks are taken care of!

Then Loki died. We were expecting it, sort of, but it was not easy to bear. She faced her cancer with such bravery, freely talking about it. She was truly a character; one whom I will miss sorely.

I returned to work from Loki's funeral to an email from an unknown source. It was from an old co-worker/friend's brother. I had a bad feeling, and was muttering, "no, no, no, no, no, no..." as I read. Erica had been sorely abused as a child, and had developed multiple personalities to help her deal with all of the stresses of her life. One of the weaker personalities could not stand the strain any more, and she took her life. She was young and bright and vibrant and a thousand other adjectives of positive demeanor. And that light has been prematurely snuffed. There is great injustice in this world. I rely upon the thought that she has finally found peace.

Then the rigors of Hoggetowne came up. It is a large medieval fair here in G'ville, for those who do not know, and is a huge demo opportunity for us in the local SCA. We bring in quite a few new members every year from the fair. It is also our annual fundraiser, bringing in the funds to allow us to operate in the manner to which we have become accustomed. We can afford to meet in a nice area. We can buy new stuff that we need. We can hold events without worrying about starting capital. All of this from Hoggetowne. It really is a lot of work to pull off, and it is tiring. It's awesome, but draining. Oh, yeah, and painful, too. In a severe act of stupidity, I managed to break my arm at the fair. No, not fighting. Just talking about fighting.... I was telling a NSTIW story, gestured emphatically, and hit an armored fighter. I'm really glad she WAS armored, 'cause I'd have killed her... This is one I won't live down for a while.

Then we had a nutcase in the Barony. I won't mention names here, nor details, but needless to say, it was a bit of a nightmare.

Then there was the Equine demo in Tampa. Sheeps had to be there, so naturally I did too. Typically, I worked the Friday eve before, and drove to Tampa. I got out late, so did not arrive until after 6am. Sheeps let me sleep a whole 2 hours before we had to boogie out to the fairgrounds. It was an interesting demo. One of Tampa's mounted police even tried his hand, during a practice session. Then, about half an hour before the actual demo, I found out that they expected me to emcee the thing... I know nothing about SCA equestrian activities, but I managed to wing it. I think it was a fairly good demo, me not withstanding...

Then came Gulf Wars. Couldn't fight, with the broken wing, and all, so I dove into service and worked the whole thing. I worked Troll, retained for Their Majesties, marshalled, water-beared, and even heralded the Champions Tourney. Sheeps got the war crud, and spent most of the war sick in bed. The one bright point came Saturday afternoon. The queen had been pressuring me her entire reign, and hinted she wanted to be involved... As She walked into the royal cabin, I showed her the ring I picked up, and she immediately took it to Sheeps, and proposed for me. Different, I must admit, but got the job done.

Yes, Sheeps and I are getting hitched. We will be holding the ceremony at TMT. Several questions have arose, so let me see if I can answer them. Yes, it is an "SCA Wedding", but it is a real wedding, as well. It will be Saturday evening at TMT. The theme is 13th century, but "best attempt at pre-17th century" will work. No, we are not registered, nor shall we be. Gifts are not required, but if you do so desire, we would welcome gift cards to (in order of preference): Lowes, Home Depot, Target. We have two households worth of stuff that we are combining, so housewares are right out. We're remodeling my old house, so the cards will definitely come in handy. Yes, she is moving to G'ville. When? She works at a school, and will be working through graduation, so it will be the weekend of Art/Sci. We'll definitely need a hand, so if you're around that Sunday.....

Other than that, I don't have much. Sheeps gave me the crud she caught from the war, so I have been fighting that off. I don't blame her, as I already knew I'd catch it any way.... Everyone seems to have it.....

Oh, well. Enough updating, for now. I'll try to do better. Really. I'll Try. Try. No promises, though....

Nor am I dead....

2008-02-28T19:13:00.002-05:00

I haven't posted in forever... My computer fried, so I've had no access from home, and I've been far too busy at work. I am going to be a sheep (pun intended) and follow Sheep's example and post a mindless movie meme.

Movie Quote Meme

1. Pick 10 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions

1. What the hell's wrong with being stupid once in awhile? Does everything you do always have to be sensible? Haven't you ever thrown waterballoons off a roof? When you were a little kid didn't you ever sprinkle soap flakes on the living room floor 'cause you wanted to make it snow in July? Didn't you ever get really shitfaced and maybe make a complete fool of yourself and still have an excellent time?

2. It's true, you are a good woman. Then again, you may be the antichrist.

3. I'm standing where my, uh, living room was and it's not here because my house is gone and it's an Ultimart! You can never go home again, Oatman... but I guess you can shop there.

4. I don't know why he saved my life. Maybe in those last moments he loved life more than he ever had before. Not just his life, anybody's life, my life. All he'd wanted were the same answers the rest of us want. Where did I come from? Where am I going? How long have I got? All I could do was sit there and watch him die.

5. The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don't be a guy.

6. Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.

7. The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don't wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules. Anyway... I've started to make a tape... in my head...

8. Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?

9. My little brother got his arm stuck in the microwave. So my mom had to take him to the hospital. My grandma dropped acid this morning, and she freaked out. She hijacked a busload of penguins. So it's sort of a family crisis. Bye!

10. He better be worth it. He better go home and cure a disease, or invent a longer-lasting light bulb.

Bring the rug rats on!!

2008-01-01T19:44:00.000-05:00

Find Ultrasound careers

The Year That Was....

2007-12-20T19:06:00.000-05:00

So, this fine year is almost over. Can't say as I'd be upset to see it go. There were some good things, but a lot of bad, as well.

Dan Fogelberg left us. He left behind a legacy of music that few realize, and fewer appreciate. Ike Turner departed. (Bet Tina's still dancin'...) Evil Knievel jumped the great canyon of life. Dick Wilson died with little fanfare. Mr. Whipple should have had a bigger mourning. It was also a year in which we lost, in no particular order, Art Buchwald, Tom Snyder, Alice Ghostly, Charles Nelson Reilly, Don Ho, Kurt Vonnegut, Tom Poston, Beverly Sills, Jane Wyman, Luciano Pavarotti, Tommy Makem, Merv Griffin, Inmar Bergman, Marcel Marceau, Joey Bishop, Porter Wagner, Norman Mailer, Deborah Kerr, Robert Goulet and Yvonne DeCarlo. Lot of talent said goodbye.

It was a year in which Gainesville gained prominence by defeating Ohio State in two separate sports for the national championships in each. We lost Dr. Robert Cade, the inventor of Gatorade. We established a national phrase, because of a student's "douchebaggery". "Don't taze me, bro!" And Tim Tebow (Timmeeee!!!) made history, several times.

Elsewhere around the nation, weirdness ensued. Hip hop entertainer Jay-Z found himself in hot water, as his own personal line of clothing sends him to the doghouse, literally. Seems his faux fur is actually canine fur. Oops. And in a frightening tribute to Ratatouille this video clip shows hordes of rats running about a NYC KFC/Taco Bell location, after hours. Yikes.

But just so you don't think that it's just us, Australia proves it's just as strange. Their "toy of the year" got pulled from shelves. It consists of little beads that you can put together to form pictures. You spray it with water and the bead stick to each other. Only problem is that the beads turn in a form of the date-rape drup GHB when ingested. What's next, Roofie Me Elmo?

Then there was the funeral home in Scotland. Seems they routinely spread ashes on the sidewalk during winter, to keep the pedestrians from slipping on the ice. Ummm... I think I'd rather take the fall...

There was lots of other stuff going on, but I think I'll stop here and end this with seasons greetings. Happy holidays, folks. Merry Christmas, and happy whatever holiday you choose to enjoy. Let's hope 2008 brings better cheer.

Wow. Just.... wow.

2007-12-12T09:15:00.000-05:00

So, I have to work late yesterday. It sucked, but not the point of this post. I took a break around 5 to run to the store to get some soda, as I was badly in need of caffeine, and was coffeed out.

I missed the green light to pull out of the business complex, as two police vehicles went roaring past, lights flashing, sirens screaming. I wait through the cycle and get my green, and made my way to the next intersection, where I had to wait for about 15 more cops to go screeching by. Seriously.

Something was obviously up, but what: Stupid Crooks.

Okay... I am not a master criminal. Or any kind, really, for that matter. But even I know that if you want to rob a bank you really need to show up when they're open....

At What Point...

2007-12-11T14:10:00.000-05:00

...is it okay for me to be angry without being a Sore Loser?

I'll sum up (insert Inigo Montoya quote here): My office gives away cash bonuses at our annual holiday party. Not to everyone... They lump them together and "raffle" them out as large prizes. They give away four prizes of $2500, four of $5K, two of $10K and one of $50K. Pretty cool stuff.

Needless to say, I didn't win anything. It would have been nice, but I didn't really expect to. Not terribly disappointed. Terribly.

The person who did win the big prize in in my department. While I am glad for her, I just, kind of, wish it didn't go to the biggest bitch in the company. She tends to be a snotty little miss better-n-you at normal times. I've had to call her customers to get updates to the contracts I've been trying to process, but lacked info. Info that she should have had on there in the first place. And why do I call? Because it is part of my job? No. Because she didn't feel like it.

And now we've had to listen to her for the last couple of days, bragging and going on and on and on and on and on.... about her big win. How special she is. How awesome her Christmas is going to be and the great new car she is getting...

Y'know? You got lucky. Luckier than every one else. It doesn't make you a better person! Shut the hell up!! We really don't want to hear it! Congrats and all that, but shut your freakin' pie hole!! Enough already!

X-Mas Meme

2007-12-10T15:03:00.000-05:00

Didja know the abbreviation "X-mas" started way back in the 13th century? At any rate, here is a holiday enema. Er, meme.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Gift bags are awesome for crappy wrappers, of which I am admittedly one. However, they also take away the fun of unwrapping. You open a bag. Ta. Da.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Actually, artificial. Real trees are such a nightmare to keep alive throughout the season.

3. When do you put up the tree? Don't really have a "time". It goes up when I get around to it. In fact, living by myself, I don't usually put one up at all.

4. When do you take the tree down? Same thing. When I get around to it. After New Year's.

5. Do you like egg nog? Eh. It's okay. I don't hate it, but won't go out of my way for it, either.

6. Favourite gift received as a child? Evil Knievel Stunt Van, baby!!

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Nope. Sheeps does. And all the characters, except for baby Hay-soos, are sheep. Naturally. Nuther bit o trivia - Animals in the manger are another 13th century invention. Bible says nuttin' about 'em.

8. Hardest person to buy for? Me. I'm a schmuck. I won't tell you what I want or need. That's not entirely true... I'll usually tell folks my needs, such as socks and new underoos, but I neveer get 'em. People must think I'm kidding....

9. Easiest person to buy for? Again, me. I am pretty much content with any gift, even socks and underwear...

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Neither. I'm horrible about that kind of stuff. I actually usually buy a box of cards, and leave it sit around without even opening the damen thing.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Can't really say. Probably something my sister D gave me. Her heart is in the right place, but sometimes her gifts make you stop and go "huh?"

12. Favorite Christmas movie? Christmas Story! "You'll put your eye out, kid!"

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Whenever. I shop for gifts year 'round.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Errrr. I don't think so?

15. Favourite thing to eat at Christmas? I dunno. Cookies?

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? I'm colorblind. What do you think?

17. Favourite Christmas song? Don't really have a fav. Truthfully, I'm a bit tired of carols. Sheeps has a beautiful voice, but standing around for hours on end, waiting for her to finish a gig, one gets kind of sick of them....

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Well, being that I have no family within 50 miles (even Sheeps lives 130 miles away...), travel is almost always required.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Yes. Who can't?

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Angel. Does anyone actually use a star?

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Morning is just fine, thanks.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? The commercialism. The lack of manners. The crowds.

23. Favourite ornament theme or colour? Blue. I see blue reeeeeal good! Unfortunately, everything is green and red, with, together, really screws with my vision.

24. Favorite thing for Christmas dinner? Yes. I love it all. What other meal, other thank TG, are you going to have 2-3 entrees, 20 sidedishes, 6 kinds of dessert, and free reign to eat all you want?

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Surprise me. See? Told ya.

26. Who is most likely to respond to this? Whoever.

27. Who is least likely to respond to this? Whomever.

Wrongness...

2007-12-06T17:32:00.001-05:00

This was sent out this afternoon, as a holiday decoration on an email reminder to check our timecards. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...... Wow.

The Votes Are In...

2007-12-05T14:52:00.000-05:00

...And no one is talking.

I am referring to the Heisman Trophy. The annual award given to the most outstanding college football player of the year. I know I don't generally discuss sports here, but this is different.

Why do I care? 'Cause Timmy! (tm) is in the running. Running, hell. Tim Tebow is in the lead in most polls. Popular opinion, however, doesn't win the trophy. That is gained from votes from the surviving winners of the Heisman from years past, and from a select group of sports writers around the country. Oh, yeah. And one (1) vote from the popular opinion of the fans.

Why does Tebow deserve to win? How about being the first player in NCAA history to score 20 passing touchdowns AND 20 rushing touchdowns in one season? No quarterback has ever run for that many TD's. Most running backs don't. That's 5 more than his closest competitor, running back Darren McFadden, from Arkansas. On 110 fewer carries. Some would discount most of his touchdowns as "short runs", 5 yards or less. This is ridiculous. Ever hear of end zone defense??

He played half the season with a shoulder injury. Just imagine his stats if he'd been healthy! He made 30 plays during the UF-FSU game with a broken hand.

The SEC has, arguably, the toughest schedule of any conference. Arkansas is in the SEC as well. The Gators and the Razorbacks played six common teams. In those games, McFadden scored a total of 7 touchdowns. Tebow scored 25.

Then there is the age factor. No sophomore has ever won. Tebow has a chance to win it next year, when he's a junior. Who knows what could happen next year? This year is what counts. Right now. The trophy is supposed to be awarded to the best player in the nation. Not the best player who happens to be a senior or junior. He should get more kudos for achieving so much so young, not more flack.

Moreover, the young man is genuinely a nice guy. Not the brightest lightbulb in the box, maybe, but his character can not be argued. How does he spend his free time? Hitting the clubs with the other players? No. He visits local hospitals and sits with the sick kids. Really.

Oh, well. We'll see what happens in NYC on Saturday night, at the Downtown Athletic Club. The BCS bowl system is a sham. Let's hope the Heisman isn't.

Mmmmm.... Spicy Lambmeatspamballs!

2007-12-05T08:28:00.000-05:00

So... After the local SCA meeting, a group of us went to dinner, as per usual. This is not really the interesting part. Okay, the company was nice and the conversations extremely varied, as usual, but that's the usual. The unusual came when we departed and I had to run to the grocery next door to grab some cat food.

I only had one item, so, naturally, jumped into the express lane. Yes, I did the obligatory Lifegame: Count the items the guy in front of you has to make sure it's under 10. "That rat-bastard has 11 items! Call the grocer police!"

Okay, time out! What the hell is a lifegame? It is one of those little games you play with yourself in real life. Things like counting the items of the person in front of you in the express lane. Walking into a movie theater and scanning the audience to pick out the group that you know is going to annoy you all throughout the show... We all have them. We may not realize we have them, but we have them.

An any rate, I was countin', and that's where I was brought up a bit short. He was purchasing a tube of wasabi paste, two packs of lamb chops, a bag of frozen, pre-cooked meatballs, a package of parmesian encrusted croutons, and a can of spam. Uh.....? The first lifegame disappeared in a cloud of WTF. It was replaced, suddenly with a new game: What the hell is this guy cooking??

Typically, the folks in the express lane are purchasing missing, last minute items for meals, or enough food to make only one meal. Following this logic, this gentleman was creating a gastronomic nightmare! I shudder at the mere thought of the mixture... Even the true carnivore in me hesitates at that purposed dish.

So, that observation offers up a couple of challenges for you gentle readers. One, is a new lifegame for you - "What's for dinner?" Next time you're in line at the grocer, take a gander at the choices of the shopper in front of you, and try to figure out what they're making. Your second challenge is figure out what lifegames do you play? Come on! You know you can name at least one! So, tell me. What are your lifegames?

Something is afoot at the Circle K.....

2007-11-26T11:03:00.000-05:00

Sheeps and I both managed to have a few days off at the same time, so we decided to venture forth to the wilds of North Carolina to see my mother. Sheeps had yet to meet her, and I haven't seen her in a few years. (Yes, yes, I am a horrible son...) We ventured out into the great blue yonder... Okay, it was the great tarred wonder, as we drove.... The trip up was fairly uneventful. And by uneventful, I mean sitting in holiday traffic for hours on end, doing nothing... Yay! At one point, in glorious "Salisbury, NC", the 5pm rush hour plus holiday traveller interstate traffic was funnelled into one lane. So, we pulled into Mom's driveway about 2.5 hours later than originally expected...

Moms and Sheeps got along well, teaming up to pick on this poor, unfortunate turtle. Good times. Actually, it was good times.

Thanksgiving turned out to be a lot more work than I'd anticipated. My plan was to eat lots of turkey, watch football, burp a lot, eat more turkey. Typical male holiday plans. I ended up having to help a lot with the cooking. Mom is pretty petite, believe it or not (all the women in my family are, the menfolk being monstrous giants...), and my bro, T is just recovering from surgery (tore his bicep) so is the one-armed man right now. (Dr. Kimble, beware!) That meant slingin' the 18 lb bird around became my responsibility. I'm actually a fairly proficient cook, so it wasn't all that bad.

Then the guests started arriving. It might be a bit important to point out that this is rural North Carolina... The accents were thick. I was warned to behave myself and not laugh at them, at least not to their faces. I was good. I mostly avoided them. Sheeps and I struck up a conversation with my niece's husband, and that pretty much occupied our time. It was later that we found out this was a great accomplishment, as he is supposedly very stranger-shy, and usually sits around quietly, talking to no one... Go us!

Another of the attendees was my bro's girlfriend, K. She was bringing her daughter, K2, who would be bringing her daughter, K3. We were warned, several times, that K3 was (whispered) "black". You have to understand that I am the youngest of my family, and was the first to be raised in a fully integrated society. It seems hard to believe, but the age of segregation really wasn't *that* long ago... It really isn't their fault that they hold some outdated beliefs, but they're working on it. They apparently don't realize that I was raised in the age of enlightenment. Heck, I went to a predominantly black high school. As a matter of fact, that was the name of it - Predominantly Black High School. Kidding. I kid! Anyway, K3 was a charming young lady, who is mulato, not black, but I didn't even want to get into that discussion....

Being that I had to get back to G'ville to work the UF-FSU game, we had to cut the visit short and leave Friday morning. We left an hour later than the trip up, stopped for 2 sit-down meals (Sheeps is still recovering from oral surgery, so "road food" is right out...) and still made it home about the same time we'd arrived at Mom's. The trip south was uneventful. Mostly. Here we come to subject matter...

We stopped in Columbia, SC for a meal, and a gas-up. After eating, we pulled into the service station, filled the tank, and went inside to get some road drinks. While waiting in line, we struck up a congenial conversation with the gentleman in front of us. He'd spotted Sheeps' Ohio State sweatshirt, and commented, being a Gamecock fan, himself. I didn't mention that we were both actually Gator fans, as we'd kicked the living snot out of them a couple weeks before. He was very friendly, though with a very heavy accent... Nice guy. He got to the front of the line, and put his items on the counter. As the clerk was ringing him up, the following conversation took place between he and the clerk. (You have to put a very, very heavy 'suthern' accent to this to truly appreciate...)

He: "Is Amy in?"
Clerk: "Nope."
H: "Mah wife wuz in heer las' night."
C: "Yep."
H: "I don' 'preciate yoo callin' her a crack-head."

(The volume levels raised rapidly, as did our eyesbrows. We stood quietly, with sphincters clenched, awaiting the impending shotgun battle...)

C: "I don' 'preciate wut she dun!"
H: "Yoo ain't got no call talkin' ta her like that!"
C: "She don' got no call to act like she done!"
H: "Amy's gonna hear 'bout this and yer ass is gonna git fired!"
C: "She already knows, an' yoo can git banned from this here store agin!"
"We'll see wut happins!!"

(Again?)

As he walked out of the store, backwards so he could glare at her, he bumped into the magazine rack. C: "See? That's a rack, there! Yer drunk!"

(Don't poke the bear!!)

Luckily, he did not go out to his vehicle to get a weapon, and we managed to avoid being on CNN that day. For a while, though, it was questionable... We paid for our drinks quickly and hurried out to the car and got the hell out of there.

So, how was your Thanksgiving?

Tagged....

2007-11-20T22:04:00.000-05:00

So, I got tagged by Marius...

Here are the rules:
a. Link to your tagger and post these rules.
b. Share 7 facts about yourself: some random, some weird.
c. Tag 7 people at the end of your post and list their names (linking to them).

1. I don't really like tagging people. I almost feel like I am forcing an obligation upon others. I don't, however, mind getting tagged. Gives me a topic and forces me out of the "I don't feel like posting" duldrums. Double-standard, I know, I know...

2. I almost never remember my dreams. When folks start going on and on about this or that vivid dream they had, I almost don't believe them... How can they possibly remember all that? Well, I don't, any way...

3. I am irrationally afraid of dolls that move on their own. Freaks the bejabbers out of me. And clowns. Really don't care for 'em too much. And clown dolls? That move? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!!

4. I find a lot of things out of popular culture to be banal, and boring. Popular TV shows? Don't generally care. Funny new movie. Find 'em to be pretty stupid, usually. Wil Farrell? Can't stand him, for the most part.

5. Speaking of celebrities... I can't watch any movie starring Keanu Reeves without hearing him talk 'skater dude' ala "Bill and Ted". Every single movie he's in... "Whoa! Dracula! You have a most excellent castle!" "I TOTALLY should have taken the blue pill!" You get the picture.

6. I like adult "toys". NO, not THAT kind! I'm talkin' Sharper Image. If I had the cash, I'd blow a lot of it in stores like S.I. I just love gadgets. Even though they're usually worthless, or of little value.

7. I am an utterly horrible communicator. I don't mean to imply that I can't communicate, but simply that I tend not to. Writing? Emails? Phone calls? Bad at it. You can tell by the irregularity of my posts here.... If you want to keep in touch with me, you're going to have to take the initiative. It's not that I don't want to. I just don't.

Okay, now to tag.... Wait, didn't you read number 1?? If you're reading this, and haven't already been tagged by someone else, and you feel up to it, go ahead and give 'er a shot.

So, yeah, the Owls

2007-11-20T13:00:00.001-05:00

UF played FAU in game that meant little to nothing, other than helping Tim Tebow gain some records, some notoriety, and a little more hype toward the Heisman. Don't get me wrong, the man's amazing, and he's only a sophomore. I can't wait to see how he does in the next fews years as he matures and develops into a first rate quarterback. My regrets come from having to work that day at the bar, and making little money. I know, I know, money isn't everything..., but there were some much better things I could have done than stand around a half empty bar for hours and hours... It wasn't a conference game, it didn't really mean anything to the stats... Heck, FAU didn't even HAVE a football team until about 6 years ago... It was a "nothing" game.

The one "high point" occurred somewhat early into the evening. I was making a drink order and in my peripheral vision caught a young man reaching over the bar and turning off one of the bar lights. This light pretty much illuminates my work area. It is fairly dark with it off. I calmly reached over, turned it back on, looked him in the eye as he started to deny doing it, and said, "Please don't touch it again."

I went back to mixing the drinks and delivered them to the imbibers, just in time to catch the light being turned off again. I went back down the end and turned it back on. I glared at him and warned, "Don't touch it again." "My mom thinks it's too bright," he muttered. "I don't care. Touch it again and I'll kick all of you out." "Do you know who I am?!" "No, enlighten me." "I'm SC's room-mate!" I laughed in his face. "SC" is my usual Friday evening barback, and he's not all that great at his job. As a matter of fact, he's pretty much the worst barback at "The Dog". If you're going to drop names, at least make sure that they're somebody who actually counts for something....

I told the other bartender, Z, about the interchange, and he laughed as well. Mr. SC's Roommate decided that he wanted another drink, but I was in full ignore mode by time, as was Z. He finally managed to get Z's attention, and wanted to close out his tab. He made every effort to make sure that I was the one to pick up the slip. Of course, he tipped "$0.00", as we had little doubt he would.

"That's what you get!" he snarked. "Not much less than usual, but it doesn't matter, 'cause I'm going to take it out on SC's hide." He stared at me with the blank look that his whole family seemed to share. "You've just made your room-mates life a living hell," I explained. "He works for me, does what I tell him to, and he gets paid whatever I feel like tipping him out. By the way, find yourself another bar. You're not welcome here."

I walked away with a big smile, and they left in a snit that made my cockles glow. I love shutting down buttheads.

Too good to not share...

2007-11-09T16:40:00.000-05:00

So, I process contracts all day long. Mostly. For some reason, I've been doing a bunch of churches today. I just processed a contract for a church that goes by the name of "Hermits of Bethlehem in the Heart of Jesus, Inc". What so funny about that? The name of the contact person: Mary Magdaline

Congress made me late for work....

2007-10-30T19:47:00.000-05:00

So... I like technology. I get a big kick out of techno gadgets. I like "toys". Even in the simplest things around the house. Take, for example, my alarm clock... No ordinary alarm clock will do. No. I have a fancy dancy little alarm with multiple alarms that can be set for different days, and it has a satellite connection! It keeps itself up to date, and if the power goes out, it automatically reaches out to that magical little atomic clock somewhere in Colorado, and resets itself to the right time. No fuss, no muss on my part. I don't have to worry about setting it every evening, as it is already programmed for my work week, and I don't have to worry about power outages.

And... it knows when Daylight Savings Time is, and resets itself for that. Awesome! Or, not. Yeah, more like, not.

Herein the problem lies. Congress, for whatever reason, changed DST to a week later than usual. The rest of the world changed last weekend, but for us, or, most specifically, U.S., we don't fall back until next weekend.

No one bothered telling my alarm clock this. Apparently, computer chips don't keep up with the current news. So, doing what it was made to do, my alarm reset itself, and fell back an hour for DST. A week early.

The alarm went off this morning, and I reached over and turned it off. Didn't even hit the snooze, as I usually do. Nope, I was going to give myself that extra 9 minutes. I took a casual shower, and was taking my time getting dressed.

At one point, I happened to glance at the cable box on top of the TV. 8:20. Great. Another 20 minutes before I have to leave. No... wait! That's not right! It's 7:20. 7:20!! Grab the watch, which says 8:20. Maybe it's wrong too! Phone! 8:20!! Crap!!!!!

Called in, and then ran to work, where I had to tell the story of my stupidy all day long. At least I was a source of amusement.

The worst part is that I'll have to get myself up "an hour earlier" than usual all week, as the clock will only reset itself in the middle of the night if I fix it. I hate technology.

The Loud Shall Inherit...

2007-10-17T14:08:00.000-05:00

Let me share with you an expression I’ve heard recently, “tyranny of the loud”. Isn’t that a great affirmation? It refers to those who freely abuse rights that they do not, in fact, have by bullying those who believe that hurting the feelings of others is wrong. Heaven forbid that anyone stand up and tell them that they’re wrong, or out of line – that would be rude and would hurt their feelings. Woe be to the browbeater that squares their shoulders and tells the messenger to shut up. Said would-be peacemaker is now demonized, and incurs the wrath of the rest of the group. Never mind that the original proselytizer was wrong in the first place… Sides now must be drawn and feelings of the pontificator must be defended.

So, where did we go wrong? How did we allow this tyranny to come to pass? We trained ourselves to let it happen. We succumbed to the outright political correctness of the world. In those times when we read the rants and ravings of others, the ones that make the veins in our collective foreheads pulse and want for nothing more than to tell the bombastic blowhard to shut the hell up, we, instead, grit our teeth and shut ourselves up, in order to not create discontent. Thus, we allow the actual discontent to continue unabated.

How do we fix it? We have to allow the perception of rudeness to be yoked upon us, and open our mouths when they should be opened. We have to be the leaders, and take the heaps of scorn. And soon, soon enough, the rest of the throng will begin to see that it isn’t right to hurt the feelings of others, in the first place, and will join us in telling the pompous, self-applauding windbags to shut the hell up! Maybe. Just maybe. If we make a stand, perhaps we can make the world a little less miserable.

Speaking of miserable, you need to read this article...

Yes, cracked dot com. Yes, it is the same as the cracked magazine we used to read as youngsters. Yes, it is a serious article. Somewhat. Kind of. Okay, it is irreverent, but it is still a great article.

My personal favorite part was the study done by UCLA that indicated that only 7% of the communication effectiveness is determined by the words used. That leaves 38% for voice quality, and 55% for non-verbal communication to get our points across. The 38% includes tone and volume. A meager 7% of our communication skills are left to us when communicating in a non “face to face” environment. Like email, or IMs, text messages, blogs or e-lists. Pretty much the majority of our communications these days. Everything that people perceive us to be results from 7% of our communication skills.

No wonder there is so much misunderstanding out there, which leads to hate and discontent. Often we communicate poorly, setting the wrong tone in our messages. Okay, often we set the exact tone that we intend to, or, more to the point, others deliberately set the tone that they intend. And so often we just let it pass, for the sake of “peace”. And, in the long run, it is just making us miserable.

Sometimes we need to step up and say “is this really what you meant?” Sometimes it is simply a matter of poor communications, and should be cleared up, to avoid the simmering frustration that can build up in such a situation.

Sometimes it isn’t a mistake. Sometimes it is a deliberate abuse of our good natures, so sometimes we need to be the bully, and make it the more forceful “shut the hell up”.

We need to take the proverbial bull by the horns and retrain our e-groups not to accept the status quo. It has to start somewhere, and if not us, then who? Do we suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune? Or do oppose them, and in doing so, end them?

Because my cats don't type.....

2007-09-28T16:53:00.000-05:00

So, my cats don't blog. And, being that I'm too lazy to post anything meaningful, I give you - meme-rama!!

You Really Know Your State Capitols

You Got 18 State Capitols Correct
You're either a geography buff... or you have an excellent memory.

http://www.blogthings.com/doyouknowyourstatecapitolsquiz/">Do You Know Your State Capitols?

What Your Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich Means

Your eating style is gluttonous. If you like something, you're going back for seconds... no matter how full you are!
You have a total sweet tooth. When you can get away with it, you like to have dessert before dinner!
Your taste in food tends to be pretty flexible. You may crave sushi one night, and your favorite childhood recipe the next.
You belong to a class that's all your own. You resist rules and traditions of any sort.
You are a tough person who isn't afraid to live life fully. There isn't a lot that scares you.
Precise and controlled, you can be a bit anal retentive when it comes to how you like things. You're definitely a perfectionist.

http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourpeanutbutterandjellysandwichsayaboutyouquiz/">What Does Your Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Say About You?

You Are 26% Misanthropic

You're a little misanthropic - but who isn't? Your reactions to other people are pretty normal.You enjoy being friendly with people you encounter, but if you're having a rough day, watch out!

http://www.blogthings.com/howmisanthropicareyouquiz/">How Misanthropic Are You?

Your Karaoke Theme Song is "Baby Got Back"

You're a total show off who is willing to risk looking like a fool to get a few laughs.In fact, you'll go for the cheap laugh if you need to... because it's better than no reaction!
Your friends can count on you to get a party started, and you'll party hard until you can't remember their names.You're charismatic, charming, and a total character. With or without a few drinks in you.
You might also sing: "I Touch Myself," "Oops I Did it Again," or "My Humps"
Stay away from people who sing: "Candle in the Wind"

What's" Your Karaoke Theme Song?

You Scored an A

You got 10/10 questions correct.
It's pretty obvious that you don't make basic grammatical errors.If anything, you're annoyed when people make simple mistakes on their blogs.As far as people with bad grammar go, you know they're only human.And it's humanity and its current condition that truly disturb you sometimes.

http://www.blogthings.com/theitsitstheretheirtheyrequiz/">The It's Its There Their They're Quiz

You Are 56% A Child of the 80s

Back in the day, you were totally 80s.Tubular, totally tubular.

http://www.blogthings.com/areyouachildofthe80squiz/">Are You a Child of an 80s?

Shocking News!!

2007-09-19T17:47:00.000-05:00

Sooooo, yeah.

A student got tasered at UF on Monday. John Kerry was giving a speech and opened the floor up for a "Town Hall" discussion. All of the videotapes show the student asking a few questions and then getting taken down by the university police, and then getting tasered. Oh, the outrage! How dare they do this to so innocent a young boy?! All he was doing was asking questions?!

But wait... that was sarcasm, wasn't it? "Do you mean you have an alternative view, oh shelled one?" Yes. Yes, I do.

This "kid", Andrew Meyer, loves causing controversy. He admits it. He's stated that he writes articles in the college paper just to get readers irritated. I've read his articles, and can believe it. He'll take the most off the wall stance on subjects, and play devil's advocate, just to make people mad. He deliberatly causes hate and discontent, and enjoys the aftermath. He's a schmuck. Not even a well-meaning schmuck.

He also has a history of pulling oddball public stunts. He does bizarre crap, films it, and then posts it on his blog. Y'know, normal things, like protesting on 9/11 that Bush caused the 2001 attacks. Or acting drunk and slobbering all over some poor girl. He even has his own cameraman, as witnessed in one of the videos that are currently clogging the ether. "That's my cameraman!" Why did he have his own cameraman? There? At that particular event?

Because this was another one of his stupid stunts, wasn't it?

Only this time, it went wrong. I'm quite sure that he had it all planned out. He would disrupt a public assembly, babble about some conspiracy theory book, ask asinine questions, and be escorted out. At which point he would calmly go home, and post to his blog, and maybe get a story on the local news. Look at me! Look at me!

That's where things took a turn. Didn't go quite the way he expected. Then plans went wrong. In fact, they went very wrong.

Let's start from the beginning. The part that NO video out there shows you. The question and answer period was over. He caused a ruckus and jumped up to one of the mics, and insisted he be given a chance to speak. Mr. Kerry accomodated him. That is why UPD was standing around already. He'd already proved a distraction. He wasn't even supposed to be up there.
He gave a false name when he introduced himself. Then he went on and on about that stupid book. Then he asked stupid questions, phrased to be confrontational and make a scene. Why would he have to mention Clinton's "blowjob"? Unnecessary. He wanted to cause a scene. And he did.

He was disrupting a public assembly. The police attempted to remove him, and he jerked away, resisting. Big mistake. Irrational tendancies, confrontational, trying to escape from police. Think about it! VA Tech wasn't that long ago....

The police attempted again to take him into custody and again he resisted, trying to get away from them and yelling that he was being "repressed". Who the hell is he, Monty Python? They get him outside the hall, and attempt to cuff him, and he is starting to realize that this is a whole lot more serious than he thought. "Just let me go and I'll walk right out of here!" Too late for that, kiddo. He still struggled, and would not let them cuff him. He was warned that he would be tased if he did not cease.

He didn't cease. Tadaaaaa. Zap.

Everyone is going on and on about how he was unarmed. How were the police to know this? They couldn't have. He wouldn't cooperate. He fought them tooth and nail. Should they have used the taser? Probably not. I think they could have subdued him manually. I work at a bar and have to subdue violent drunks on occasion, so I know how absolutely difficult it can be, but I think they could have taken him down.

Then again, maybe they should've plugged into a wall socket and upped the voltage? The cause of all of this fuss and muss rests soley on his own shoulders. He resisted, and fought the police. They repeatedly warned him, and told him to calm down. He wouldn't.

This was simply a publicity stunt from an attention seeking asshat. He thought he'd waltz in, cause his little disturbance, get a little 70mm comedy for the blog, and walk away. This was a joke to him. He thought it would be funny!

Sorry, putz. Life doesn't work that way. Actions have consequences. Too bad the apes that raised you didn't bother teaching you that. Even sadder is that you're getting your 15 minutes of fame out of this. Enjoy it while you can. There's a reason why they call it your "15 minutes of fame". 'Cause that's all you get.

Welcome to reality. ZZZZZZap.

My New Haircut

2007-08-30T19:15:00.001-05:00

Extreme stereotyping? Unfortunately, no. This goob is typical of the fratboy idiot that I have to deal with on a nightly basis... The only difference, really, is that they say "Buddy" and "Bro" instead of "Chief" and "Bro-ski".... WARNING - STRONG LANGUAGE!!

Summer Spectacular

2007-08-28T13:27:00.000-05:00

Well, I haven't posted in a while.... It's been a slow summer. Not a lot to tout.

I could post on all the political oustings, but I don't do politics. Not generally. Too much heartache. It usually ends up with neither side being influenced, and bad feelings all around. No thanks.

I could whine about the total suck factor at the bar, but there's no use. It is over, and business is picking up, even though people are still acting like buttheads. It is the same crowd from the summer, but with the usual fall crowd thrown in. Damn, but I need to write that book on bar ettiquette....

I could kvetch about the lack of quality time Sheeps and I have had lately, as she's been sewing her little hooves off for the upcoming Coronation. She's been busy, so we haven't really been able to spend a lot of time together. We've been together, but it has mostly been me sitting around entertaining myself while she works. It is important, and it makes her happy to do it, but I'll be glad when it is over. I want stuff for me! Kidding! I want to be able to spend more time actually interacting - getting new stuff is just a bonus! Kidding again! I miss her. Even though she's been around, I still miss her.... Thank goodness it is all over this weekend! The sewing part, that is.....

How about a Summer Movie Guide! Well, we haven't really seen that many... We did see the big "3" sequels. Spidey3. Shrek 3. Pirates 3. They were pretty much over-rated. Granted, I enjoyed all of them, but they just.... lacked something. Ratatouille was good. Very good. I'd venture to say it was one of the best things Pixar has done. Evan Almighty was fun, but nobody beats George Burns as God, and it was, essentially, a direct remake of Bruce Almighty. Ocean's 13 was enjoyable, but only if you like the franchise. I happen to like that whole "sting" kind of cerebral action. And I'm an old Rat Pack fan, so...., yeah. Harry Potter was Harry Potter. It was good, but a lot darker than the rest. This is the turning point of the books, so it was fitting. Again, enjoyable, if you're a fan. The Last Legion... An interesting "historical" movie. Fairly accurate in it's depiction of the era, actually, and a decent movie - if you ignore the last 3 minutes of the film. It is almost like they tacked the last scene on, to explain everything to a moronically dull American audience. I felt it totally unnecessary.... Then there was my favorite film of the summer - The Bourne Ultimatum. It, too, was a 3, but didn't suffer the "curse". Not a dull moment in the film. Pretty much action packed from start to finish. No special effects, just lots of car chases and fight scenes. Ten alternative uses for a book... Good stuff! I really enjoyed it.

Okay, so this was a cheesy post, full of nothingness, but that's been the summer. Fall is here, the students are back, football is starting, and cool weather is blessedly not too far away. I'm sure there will be more interesting posts to come....

God Bless Our Troops

2007-08-01T19:43:00.000-05:00

Normally, I don't post too much along the political lines. I don't like the fights that tend to ensue. It gets ugly, and nothing is ever resolved, so why bother? That being said...., someone posted a reply to a friend's blog, which really got my panties into a bunch. I'm pissed. Days later, I'm still pissed.

The original poster, who does write politically, was basically disagreeing with the chaos in Iraq. this complete mess "we've" created, this shambles they call war. The reply also disagreed with the conflict.

All well and good so far, but here's where we parted ways.

Marius said that we need to get our troops out of there, and let the "professionals" that are already there handle it. The replying poster, let's just call them "M" (because the things I want to call them aren't very polite, nor suitable for a semi-public forum), said that would be saying, in their opinion, "hey- fighters, your lives are wioth(sic) less than American lives." Well, that is "M"'s opinion, and they are welcome to it, but I disagree. I happen to know someone who works for a "private security firm" and he gets paid very, very, very well to do it. A lot more so than the pittance our military is being paid. By an extreme margin. In fact, in MY opinion, I think that it is paying these private hirees a huge compliment. "We have so much faith in your abilities, that we think YOU can finish this mess for us." "M" also posted " I believe we will simply be funding a militia with our tax dollars". Umm.... we already are. Where do you think the money to pay for private firms, that are already there, is coming from?? In fact, we'd be paying a bundle less, as we wouldn't be footing the bill for the military. Just the mercs, who, I repeat, we are already paying for!

Now we come to the part that absolutely made me lose my mind. "M" stated, and I quote, "Our all vol military ARE people who kill for a living. Additionally, if we bring home our official hired killing force without any other change..." (The rest here was the rant about having to foot the bill for mercenaries, as quoted above.) Also, "I do not feel bad for "the brave men and women" of the US military. This is a job they signed up for." This is where my language wants to take a severe dip.

Now, I don't know "M", and cannot vouch for their intelligence. Knowing Marius and his taste in friends I would think it high, but these statements give me reason to suspect extreme ignorance. Not stupidity, mind you, but ignorance.

I don't often tell people that they are incorrect. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, misguided as though it might be. But "M"? You're wrong! Dead wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrongsky. Couldn't be further from the truth. Get the picture? You are wrong! I can not deny that a very small few might actually join for such a reason, but the other 99.999999% do not. And not a damn one of them signs up to die senselessly. To say such things is not only irresponsible, but shameful as well.

Yes, our military members do have to kill in wartime. The government spends an enormous amount of money to provide them with high tech tools to do so. They do not, however, kill for a living! Most often have severe regrets for the things they were forced to do. It is quite a traumatic experience, one that follows them for the rest of their lives. What a putrid thought! I truly wonder what happened in "M"'s life to give them such an incredibly distorted viewpoint?

Most of the "kids" just want a skill they can use to make a living. They want training they can not afford on their own. They want money for college that they would not otherwise qualify for. They sign up for benefits. They sign up for a change. They sign up to serve their country. Not kill, not die, but to serve. (And pity you can't see a difference.)

I've seen death. There was Petty Officer Monroe. He signed up to learn a technical skill, one that he could not afford training for in civilian life. He was a signalman. He used advanced communications devices (as well as medieval ones). He did not sign up to kill. He also did not sign up to die. But he did die. And why? Because he was relieving a shipmate for a bathroom break, when a helicopter caught a freak gust of wind, and crashed into our ship. He caught two pieces of shattered fiberglass rotor blade in the chest. He died messily, and painfully. He did not sign up for that. He was also standing 5 feet in front of me, so I don't know why he got hit and I didn't. I didn't sign up for that either.

Let's look at Paul. He didn't sign up to kill. Nor to die. He was an engineer for the army. He built things. That's what he signed up to do. And yet, when called, he went to Iraq, to serve. While serving, his company, a group of engineers and medics, came under attack by the Republican Nation Guard, the elite army over there. Paul, almost single-handedly, held them off for several hours, saving the lives of hundreds of Americans. He was killed doing so. He lives a wife and children behind. He was awarded the Medal of Honor for his heroism. They named an elementary school after him. Small comfort to his daughter and son who will never see their daddy again. Tell them that was what he signed up for.

I don't agree with this war. I don't believe that it is being fought for the reasons we are being told it is. I don't think we're getting the whole story. I don't think that we should be there. And I do not, in any way, shape or form, feel anything less than pride and love for our troops, half a world away, serving our country, and giving their all.

"M", you will probably never read this, and that's okay, as it is not for you. This is for me. It is a catharsis, to rid myself of the hurt and anger that your ignorant words have caused. I would not, in a million years, ask you to change your opinion. That's part of the reason why I served, aside from getting to kill people... I served so that you had the freedom to form your own opinion. No matter how completely asinine it is. And wrong. Did I mention that you're wrong?

Pondering....

2007-07-29T10:27:00.000-05:00

The old question occurred to me, "how does aspirin know where to go"? Well, the obvious answer is that it dissolves into the bloodstream and goes everywhere, therefore, eventually, hitting the pained area.

So, while deleting the umpteen spams in my mailbox, many regarding a great little pill that will increase the size of my "manhood", a similar question occurred. Well, how does it know? It dissolves into the bloodstream and goes to the right place. Right? But I've got other dangleys, as well. I call them fingers and toes. Do the consumers (read morons) who take these things end up with fingers twice their size, looking like Jack Skellington? Guess that gives credence to the old lie about big hands and feet, eh?

While playing City of Heroes, another thought crossed my mind. Why do all superheroes wear spandex? Is it THAT comfortable? And, if so, why aren't we all wearing it?

How about when the batteries are about to die in the remote? What do we do? We mash the buttons harder, and shake the remote at the TV, as though the extra little shrug will help.

Similar thing with elevators. We push the button and wait. If it doesn't come soon enough, we push it again. The light is on... The elevator will come when it gets there, and pushing the damn button again won't do any good! We know this! Why do we still do it? And why, do others walk up and join us in our wait, and reach down and push the call button? They can see the button is lit. Is this some kind of anti-social unspoken symbol that says, "Hi, I'm waiting too." We know you're waiting!!

Same with crosswalks. Pushing the button harder, and multiple times is going to make that light change, right?

Why can't Sammy Sosa speak English? He's played baseball here for, what, 15-16 years? He's on the edge of breaking records, and can't string together a decent sentence in the language of the country that pays his so damn well?

What drugs are the ad execs at Burgery King on? And why have they suddenly started sharing their stash with the ad execs at Wendy's?

Why, out of the six gazillion shopping carts available, do I always get the one with the wheel that doesn't work? And why does the person who is, for some reason, following me one aisle over, get the one with the squeaky wheel? And how does one little plastic bag of food cost $40??

These questions and more, on the next "As the Shell Turns".

What is Beauty?

2007-07-25T16:36:00.000-05:00

Was reading someone else's post on a different blogspot, and he inquired as to what we consider classic beauty. It's a great question. So... what are your thoughts? Gimme 10 names. They don't have to be "old" starlets from a classical, bygone era, though a lot of mine are.... They can be modern as well. (Though a lot of modern "beauties" rely a lot on makeup.... Have you seen Lindsay Lohan in the "I didn't do it" photos? Ech.) And you can list either sex as well; just list that which defines, in your mind's eye, beauty.

And yes, we know you love your spouse/better half/SO, and think they are the most precious creatures to ever roam the planet. I think mine is. Beyond a doubt. So, that's a given. But I'm thinking of those with a little more recog factor here, someone that every reader can identify, or, at least, look up....

Here's my list, in no particular order:

Audrey Hepburn
Jean Simmons
Grace Kelly
Raquel Welch
Tahnee Welch
Catherine Denueve
Catherine Zeta-Jones
Sofia Loren
Scarlett Johansson
Janine Turner

And I give a special nod to Louise Brooks, as she is a distant relative....

Neat little time waster...

2007-07-18T09:48:00.000-05:00

I have been introduced to a new game... It is kind of like the Sims meets Camelot... It reminds me of the old BBS games, in the days of yore.... It is a bit simplistic, but only takes a few minutes of maintenance time, and is oddly addictive. It is ad driven, but they're not so bad (and you can get a membership to get rid of them, but otherwise it is free...). In fact, I hardly notice them.... They best part is that I get gold and stuff for "recruiting knaves".... C'mon in, the waters fine!

http://world5.knightfight.co.uk/?ac=vid&vid=115224374

Ass Magnet...

2007-07-09T18:33:00.000-05:00

Yeah... Ass hats and idiots. I seem to attract them. They find me, no matter where I am. How did I get so lucky?

We went out to dinner the other night, after the SCA meeting. The parking lot was quite full, so it was the "wait 'til someone pulls out" game. I found a good spot to sit and "shark" and wait... There was a guy who was in and out of his car, so there was no telling if he was coming or going. He'd been doing such while I was circling, so had been at it for about 5 minutes. He'd open the trunk, root around, go into the back seat, back to the trunk, etc. Still no clue if he was coming or going. A girl bebopped into the car next to him, so I figured on snagging her spot. I put on my blinker and waited patiently. A pickup truck pulled up in the other direction, and stopped, as though waiting on the same spot. No way, Jose! The spot opened and I made my move. The "guy next door" was still futzing about the car, so I had to be careful pulling in, but had to move quickly, as well. As I'm getting out, GND pulls a 4 year old boy out of the back seat and starts to walk down the sidewalk, and mutters something to the effect of "you could've effin' waited!" I got out of the van and asked him, "What did you say to me??" He muttered something else, and kept walking. "You'd better watch what you say to people, buddy! Smart ass comments aren't safe in this day and age; you never know what kind of lunatic you might be talking to!" I passed him, and he averted his eyes. An ass hat AND an idiot.

Then there is the plethora of youngsters at the bar. It is now "Summer B", when all the incoming freshmen are here. All first years coming out of high school have to attend. And they have fake IDs. Good ones. Really, really good ones. Apparently there's a guy out there making them, and ATF wants him badly. Supposedly, these things have fooled cops. what can I do as a bartender? They got what appears to be a valid ID, that says they are of age, though I'll be damned if these kids are more than a month or two over 18..... And, they have no knowledge of bar ettiquette, whatsoever. Had a group of 6 the other night. Each got their own little drink, one at a time. Couldn't order together.... They piled the tips up in a neat little stack. Each left a bright, shiny quarter. Wow.

Through a series of mishaps, I didn't get dinner Friday night, and was quite hungry bright and early Saturday morning, after driving to Sheeps house, and getting ready do drive down to D's house for the day. Being so hungry, and having a 2 hour drive ahead, we stopped at BK for breakfast. Sheeps was driving, and we pulled up to the drive thru and she ordered. "A number 3, with sausage..." "A number one with sausage?" What?? "No, a number 3, with sausage." "With bacon?" "NO. Sausage!" "What would you like to drink?" "Large Diet Coke." "Large coffee?" I'm really not sure how the rest of the order went, as I was too busy laughing my ass off. They did manage to get the food right, though they may have spit in it.....

On Sunday, we had a guy in a Corvette pull in front of us. I mean right in front of us. I mean "cut us off and make us hit the brakes to avoid running him over" in front of us. Ummmm...., 'scuse me, Mister Tiny Penis? You're in a plastic car, dude. I'm in a SUV. Who do you think is gonna win? Sheesh.

So... for the rest of you reading this? The ones who never run into these royal ape asses? You can thank me, for I think I have gotten your share......

Shoe In...

2007-06-19T20:05:00.000-05:00

Don't get me wrong... Paul Potts is an amazing singer, and represented the "everyman" in "Britain's Got Talent". He was a mobile phone salesman who got cut a break. But...... He was, pretty much, a guaranteed winner. His victory was a foregone conclusion. I don't say this as a slight against him, but he really didn't have any competition.

Let's look at the other contestants, shall we?

There were the "Kombat Breakdancers". While they were.... good.... for breakdancers....., they really didn't do anything special. They performed your basic breakdancing moves. I've seen better in the Underground, in London.

Then there were "Bar Wizards". They were "flair" artists. You know... the bottle flippin' bartenders. Think Tom Cruise in "Cocktail". They were good. Very good. Has nuttin' to do with tending bar, but it was what it was. However, the winner of this competition gets to perform before the queen. I don't think jiggin' up a couple of Purple Hooters and Redheaded Sluts is really the thing Queenie would be entertained by.

Next, little Connie Talbot. Darlin' little Connie. She was, again, what she was - a 5 year old with a nice voice. For a 5 year old.... Not really a country-wide talent show winner.

We also have Damon Scott and Bubbles. A guy with a cheap monkey puppet. You know the kind... the overpriced things they sell at theme parks where the legs Velcro about your waist, and the arms about your neck. The monkey "danced" and karaoked to Michael Jackson. Now, if the guy was a ventriloquist, and actually sang the song, I'd be impressed. But it was just some guy with his arm up a nylon sock's bottom, jerking about. Jim Henson brought a piece of felt to life and made me believe. Damon Scott was just plain unbelievable.

Bessie Curzons sang and danced her way into our hearts. Or did she? Precocious child, definitely. Knows how to work a crowd. Screamed "Jon Benet"..... Something terribly wrong about a 6 year old, in a top hat and tails, singing "Get me to the church on time". Just another cute child. Not a show winner.

And then there was Paul. While his story has touched many hearts, and rightly so, it was no contest. He stood head and shoulders over the competition. There was no other choice. I still cheer him and his victory, and am glad to see that he shall meet with some success, but, sadly, the choice was obvious.... Oh, well, way to go anyway, Paul!

BGT FINAL -Paul Potts high quality video/sound

2007-06-18T19:42:00.001-05:00

Well, the finals were last night (Sunday). PP did an extended version of Nessun Dorma. And... he won. Well done, indeed.

Paul Potts Semi Final winning performance High Quality V/S

2007-06-16T21:00:00.001-05:00

The adventure continues... Paul Potts in the semi-finals of "Britain's Got Talent". Nice to see an "everyman" making it.

Paul sings Nessun Dorma high quality video/sound

2007-06-14T18:08:00.001-05:00

Wow. Just... simply... wow. This guy, Paul Potts, is a "nobody" (very unfortunate name), and totally floors the judges on Britain's Got Talent. Funny watching Simon Cowell, dreading the performance, with his jaw on the desk. Piers Morgan, who can be as big a prick as Simon, is floored, and I think Amanda Holden wet herself...

Empty bars, flagging vans, random vikings, familiar villains and coniving gypsies

2007-06-04T16:35:00.000-05:00

Well, it is summer time... That means that the bar has been pretty slow of late. The first week of "Summer A" seemed promising, with huge crowds every night, and then... ffssssssst. Nada. It's been miserably slow. This kind of sucks, being that I am making much less than I used to, and need to bar income to make up for it... Well, there's always "Summer B" and "Summer C" to go. And fall is not too far off, which means football season, which will help. So... last week was pretty much a wash, and I was glad when it was over. Next stop, Sheepssesses house!

As I was pulling into her parking lot at o-dark-thirty, the power steering in my van went out. "Eh, I'll take care of it later." Well, it was 5:30 in the morning...

I ended up sleeping in, though Sheeps was woken up by a call from "Her Highness". She asked kindly if I wanted to get up, and I implored, "One more half hour, ma..." Being so terribly kind, she actually let me sleep another 2.5... Then, the day was mostly gone, and we hadn't eaten anything. We both got cleaned up and dressed, and headed out for a bite to eat.

Sheeps had a gift card to Logan's, so we went for steaks before catching a flick. They were, as usual, quite yummy. On the way out to the parking lot, I heard my SCA shouted loudly. "Runner Girl" and "Fire Guy" were having dinner there as well, and saw us walking in the parking lot... We went back inside and chatted for a while. Then we headed for the theater to catch "Shrek 3", and it turns out they were going as well. We didn't get to sit together, but were in the same theater. I enjoyed the movie, but don't think it was as good as the other two. There was one scene that just flat out reminded me of my household, and I guffawed, apparently alone. Oh, well.

After the show, I was going to take Sheeps out for Ice Cream, as she'd been a good little lamb, and our double date continued, as RG and FG had the same idea.

On the way home, we stopped at Wally World to get some things (namely power steering fluid). We found a bunch of movies on sale, and picked them up, including one we were specifically looking for, Ocean's 12, which we both passed 3 times without seeing... I already own 11, and we were prepping for 13....

The next morn, Sheeps had to go to work for a while, so I got up and pharted around. I went to fill the power steering fluid in the van, and discovered that it was just fine. The problem was a bunch of bare pulleys.... Seems like the serpentine belt broke. Craaaaap. Oh, well. We'll get one when she gets home. She did, and we ran out and got the belt. The problem is that my paws are huge... and the working space limited. I couldn't even reach all the pulleys. Luckily, Sheeps loves me a lot, and has much slimmer arms and smaller hands, and was able to get it (mostly) on, getting filthy in the process. I called an ex-squire (now a knight) and he came over with the proper tools to finish the job. Needed a wrench that we didn't have, nor did he, so back to Wally World. With the right tool, the job was finished in seconds.

After getting cleaned up, we popped in a tape that some friends had made for us. They've been TiVo'ing "The Riches" for us, and put the first 6 episodes on tape. It was..... ummmmm..... interesting. Not at all what I'd been expecting. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it, but it was a lot more serious than I'd anticipated. Essentially, a family of modern gypsies go into hiding by taking over the identities of a rich family. Hilarity ensues. Okay, not so much. It is pretty serious, and covers some serious topics. Nonetheless, it is still pretty good.

Then it was up at 5am, and back home to G'Ville, and back to work. Yay.

scrubs - guy love

2007-05-31T22:27:00.001-05:00

OMG! This is from the musical episode of Scrubs, wherein a patient hears everyone singing... Just too funny... And the scary part is that I can sort of relate...

Hyoo Meel Eee Tay

2007-05-31T18:42:00.000-05:00

That's humility (with a really bad french accent), if you couldn't piece it together. More in a moment, but first, a little life recap, to get us there...

I no longer work at the Haunted Coffee Shop. The reasons are multi-fold, with no animosity held, but primarily owing to the fact that I really, really, really need insurance. My knees are bad, especially the left, and I need to do something about it. This promises to be quite scary, and quite expensive, but I now have insurance (or will, when it kicks in) and a loving Sheeps to get me through it.

Okay, back to the humility part. One of my squires likes to extrapolate upon the qualities of chivalry on another list, to make people think. So let it be with me, here. (Which, oddly enough, said squire does not read.... But I digress...)

Humility is a very important part of the code of Chivalry. It is defined as the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc. Simply enough, don't get a big head. Don't get too big for your britches. Do not overvalue your own self worth. And for heaven's sake, don't lose your freakin' mind, start acting overly important, and treat people as though they are below you!!

More than anything, this comes from a young lady at the new job. Mostly, the job is great. The bennies rock, the people are friendly, and the future looks bright. But there is "A"... Isn't there always an "A"? It would seem that "A" threw her hat in the ring for a promotion. She didn't get it. She is, as a result, quitting. She has developed a rather surly, holier than thou attitude since this occurred. She is better than everyone else, and bosses folks around, even though she has no authority to do so. She is also buddies with one of the "team captains" in the department, and, for some unexplained reason, thinks this association somehow grants her some kind of power. I have only known her for a very short time, but I've already picked up on it, and it has been confirmed by my coworkers.

To sum up, she is acting very self important, and belittling of others (regardless of whether she has the authority to do so or no...). It is a minor irritation, knowing she will be leaving soon, but it is annoying, nonetheless. I can't imagine having to endure for any length of time...

Being in a position of importance does not make one important. Being good at that position, and making life better place for all, does.

One needs to know their own value, and know that they are, indeed, valuable, but one must not overstep these bounds, nor lord what power one possesses (real or imagined) over others. Be good unto one another, and party on, dudes! Okay, just be as good as possible, and maybe the world will be a little nicer place to live.

Good Golly

2007-05-22T19:44:00.000-05:00

Okay, so the trick is... Birdbrain gave me the letter "G", and now I am supposed to come up with 10 things that I like/love/adore/appreciate that begin with that letter. Also, if you want a "G"o at it, leave a comment and I'll give you a letter.

1) Girlfriend. She tried. Oh, how the batty one tried to give me a letter that wouldn't easily allow me to mention Sheeps... It was too obvious, and too easy.

2) Gratitude. Nothing like being thanked for your efforts. Doesn't have to be a material reward; a simple "thank you" works wonders.

3) Gulf Wars. Hey, it's my vacation, and I always have a great time.

4) Geddy Lee. I love Rush. Not Limbaugh, you twit, the band! Could've gone with "Grace Under Pressure" as well, but not their best effort.....

5) Game. I really enjoy that I got the chance to be a part of a video game. How kewl is that?

6) Gaming. City of Heroes is a lot of fun, 'cause I get to play a game I enjoy, and hang out with some of my oldest and bestest friends.

7) Garb. How can I have a "G" list, and not have garb on it? I am a garb whore. I love having lots to wear at events.

8) "G", as in Rated... Most animated films include enough "adult humor" to amuse, well, the adults attending. And Sheeps and I like to have fluffy, meaningless, talking animal kind of films to see in between seeing the really intense, heavy dramas that we also like. Keeps things balanced.

9) Gross Humor. Okay, not too gross, but I like to laugh, and can appreciate the "less than savory" comedians, like Stephen Lynch and Bobcat Goldthwait.

10) Good Friends. I am simply blessed with the number of friends I have.

That's the dealio. If you should want a letter, leave a note.

What the...????

2007-05-16T10:18:00.000-05:00

Okay, two does not a trend make, but yet it is, disturbingly, two too many...

I refer to commercials. Specifically, commercials in which children are speaking with parents, in the bathroom. More specifically, while dad is in the tub.

There is one for the royalty of the burger world, in which the kids are in the bathroom, begging mom to go out for the latest worthless toy based on an annoying cartoon character, that can only be gotten from a Joy-Joy Meal. Mom says, "as soon as Dad gets out of the bath..." And Dad is sitting there, in the same room, bathing.

And there is yet another for third rate search engine, in which a boy is talking to Dad about the inadequacies of other "algorithms". Dad is, naturally, in the tub.

What gives?? Okay, we already know that BK Steakhouse has lost their collective friggin minds lately, and only come out with creepy ads, but how is this appropriate?? Perhaps it is not quite as... perverted as it could be, but it still soundly strikes the wrong gong.

And while I am raving upon the subject of commercials that ill me, what is up with those ice cream ads?? You know the ones.... The ice cream is sooooo good that it is almost like cheating. Well, it IS cheating, according to these Madison Avenue abortions. In one, a husband comes home and catches his wife in bed, while a giant quart of ice cream hides behind the curtains. In another, two lasses are sitting by the pool, drooling over the hunky quart while it cleans the pool, while the one ponders, "Don't you feel guilty?" and the other replies, "What Bob doesn't know, won't hurt him..."

Maybe I'm being oversensitive, but these just strike me as so completely and utterly wrong. Yes, it is just ice cream, but they blatantly promote the idea that cheating is okay.

It is possible to hock your product, promote a healthy sense of humor, AND maintain morals. Companies do it all the time. Why go for shock for shock's sake???

You're Pitiful -

2007-05-10T03:18:00.001-05:00

Little backstory: Weird Al got James Blunt's approval to parody "Your Beautiful", but after he'd already recorded the song, Atlantic Records decided that it wasn't okay. He couldn't include it on his new album, but decided to post the song on his website, to spite the "suits". This is a fan-made video, and is pretty good....

Kids these days....

2007-05-07T23:41:00.000-05:00

Y'know.... I have to turn off my cell phone in the theater, so as not to disturb my fellow moviewatchers. Common courtesy, right? So what the flying hell makes you think that it is okay for your misbegotten, snot nosed little darlings to play their Gameboys all throughout the show?? Yeah... The "dinkle-diddly-deedley-dee" music backdrop really added something to my movie viewing experience. And hey, the glowing dual screens weren't in the least bit distracting... WTF?? How can a parent allow this to occur, even after people complain?? We ended up moving seats, so that we could enjoy the movie we paid for...

I watched a little girl completely rearrange a display (of alphabetized name stickers), and the parents did nothing. Then, this 3-4 year old little girl left the store. The parents did not notice. She walked away from them, and out the front door. I had to point it out to them.

Then there was a little girl in another store. I want this. No. Shriiiiiiiiiiek. Okay, you can have it. I witnessed this happen three times. Those were just the three I saw.... Wow. Talk about progeny whipped......

What has happened to parenting skills? Do they even exist any more? When did it become okay to not watch your children, teach them manners, and keep control of them in public? Yes, I would have got a "whupping" for behaving like that. Yes, I know it is no longer acceptable, but some form of discipline whatsoever would be nice.... Wouldn't it? Am I wrong? Shouldn't parents raise their children to be responsible and respecting?? No? Maybe?

Then there is the whole Alec Baldwin fiasco. I am quite sure we are not getting the whole story here. Apparently, Kim Bassinger is keeping his daughter from him, refusing him visits and not allowing him to speak with her. While he was out of line, his frustration is a bit understandable... And who leaked this voicemail, anyway?? I'm sure it wasn't an 11 year old girl....

Sigh. Okay, I'm done.

Incidentally, we saw "Blades of Glory". I am not a huge Wil Ferrell fan, nor did I have any desire to see this flick. None. But, it was starting at the right time, and Sheeps wanted to see it, so we went. That being said, I nearly pee'd myself, and laughed so hard I cried. This movie is wrong! It goes beyond being "shades of wrong" and is, in fact, entire spectrums of wrong. I'd recommend it highly (as long as you understand that "wrongness" is its appeal.....)

Kids in the Hall - Business Suit Trappers

2007-04-29T18:54:00.001-05:00

This was one of my fav KitH sketches.... Sick, but funny.

Alysoun Asks...

2007-04-24T23:57:00.000-05:00

Here's how it works: Leave me a comment saying "interview me!"- I will respond by e-mailing you five questions. I get to pick them, and you have to answer them all.- You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.- You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post - When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them 5 questions.

1) What is the single most important quality you look for in a friend?

Hmmmm..... There are several qualities I look for, but I suppose the most important would be the way they treat others.

2) When you are angered to the point of unreason, how do you not take that dangerous step? Or DO you?

Difficult question, considering where I work.... For the most part I am able to keep things under control. Occasionally, I have to act, which in the bar scenario means I have to attack people, but that's only when they attack first, and, for the most part, I keep the physical contact to a minimum. I seldom get angered to the point of unreason, but when I do, I just walk away and simmer down by myself.

3) Please describe your Perfect Day.

It starts by sleeping in as late as I want. I wake next to my lovely lady. We take our time waking up and getting ready for the day. We get cleaned up and get into a vehicle that is already gassed up, so that is not a concern. We head to one of our favorite restaurants, arriving in a timely manner, as traffic is very light, and get "porn star parking". There is no line and we are seated immediately. Lunch arrives in short order, is cooked to perfection, and is delicious. The waiter likes us, so throws dessert in for free. We then head to the local theater, again get "porn star parking", there is no line, and the movie we wish to see begins in 5 minutes. We get a soda to share, make our respective potty breaks, and go into the theater. There is a light crowd, and they are all polite, and do not talk during the show. We get there just in time for the previews to begin. The movie is all that we hoped for, and more, and we both enjoy it immensely. We head out to the car for the drive home, and there is no monstrous, green-eyed spider awaiting us beneath the visor... (Long story, but sadly, true.) We stop at the grocery on the way home, and buy something fresh to make for dinner. Again, porn star parking. Everything we want is in stock and on sale. We head home, and cook a wonderful meal. It is delicious. We then spend the rest of the evening relaxing on the couch, enjoying each others company, watching our favorite shows, or perhaps a video. We stay up as late as we like, knowing we don't have to be up at any particular time the next morning. We then head for bed. The last thing I do is listen to my wonderful lady breathing sonorously, as she drifts off to sleep.

4) $5,000,000.00 lands in your lap. Your bills and those of yournearest and dearest are already paid, your retirement fully funded.How do you spend the $5,000,000.00 and why? **note - for purposes ofthis exercise the Callahan's Answer is not in play**

Drat! Well..., since the bills and my future are already cared for... I would start by buying myself a brand new vehicle. I've never owned a new car... I would take all of my friends on an all-expense paid trip to London, to see the London production of Spamalot, with lots of time added to visit various and sundry museums. Upon returning home, I'd find 5 deserving students and anonymously pay for their education. Maybe one of them would make a difference in the world. I would NOT build the perfect SCA site, as I don't want to have to own that kind of "business", but I would donate a healthy sum to my kingdom's land fund. I would buy X-Box 360's for all of my friends, along with a copy of my game. I would give the rest to a charity(ies) that actually helps people.

5) What ONE injustice above all others would you correct, if given thepower to do so? I could only fix one?? What about our elderly who do not receive enough in benefits? DJ's who say incredibly stupid things, and get fired for it, regardless of the first amendment? Nutcases can run amok and kill 32 people, while completely sane, reliable people, ones that could have stopped it, are not allowed to carry weapons to defend themselves? Allow the coffins of our troops to be filmed and shown in the media, so this country realizes what we are losing? I think that I would return our country's children home from Iraq, so that they will quit being taken away from us. The biggest injustice is that Congress keeps them there, while only the children of 2 (TWO) congressmen are in service. Let's send our Congressmen there instead!

Well, that's it.

lotr muppet theme

2007-04-20T16:21:00.001-05:00

Okay, time to go to the opposite extreme.....

A Boy and His Frog

2007-04-16T23:26:00.001-05:00

Watch this with a big box of tissues nearby....

ACHOOOOOOO

2007-02-27T16:15:00.000-05:00

So, I wasn't really in a talkative mood last night. Sheeps and I chatted for a little while, but I was feeling really tired, and didn't talk much at all. It happens. Some days are like that, and that's fine. Only it wasn't just lack of motivation.

I awoke at 4:00 am (okay, I had a little help, via a fuzzy grey menace) and generally felt like hell. I could barely breathe, my nose was running, my head pounding and basically feeling as though it were full of cotton. Yuck.

Now is not a good time to get sick! Gulf Wars is in a couple of weeks, and I have a final recording session for the game at the end of the week.... Not now! Please?

I am hoping that it is simply an allergic reaction to the change in the weather. You can literally see the pollen falling out of the trees..... And I've been sneezing - a LOT. I don't tend to sneeze much with a cold, so I'm holding out for allergies, and should be better in a couple of days.....

Haven't Ranted in a While...

2007-02-20T15:39:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I'm feeling generally miserable, 'cause Sheeps is sick, and there is little I can do for her. I can't even be there to comfort her. So, I think I'll blow off some steam and rant about some stupid things going on lately, like:

Britney's new 'do.... Ohmygawd! What a pathetic 'tard. Can you say "cry for help'? Sure, knew you could. Let's see..., she finally dumps K-Fed ('cause she's only slightly less stupid as a sponge); hits the club scene with Paris; shows off her hoohah, in abundance; enters rehab, for less than a day; shaves her head and gets a tattoo. Yeah, that's normal. She claims that she wanted to make a statement, like Sinead O'Conner. The difference is that Skinhead at least had a modicum of talent. Well, at least you're both has beens.....

Tim Hardaway's fadeaway.... Wow. Just wow. In a radio interview, when asked how he would feel about having a gay teammate, he replied, with vehemence. He went on a major rant about how he hated gays, and didn't think they should be allowed to share a locker room. Wasn't too long ago certain white folk held the same belief about African Americans. Can you see a connection? Probably not.

Then, there are the apologies. Sheesh. He stated that, "we say we hate broccoli, we say we hate potato chips… It's just a form of how we talk." Ummmm...... no. It isn't. You don't hate people the way you hate broccoli. You don't get to admit that you're homophobic, and brush it aside like you're Shrub Sr and his veggies... And you don't get to go on a 5 minute tirade on how you hate gay people, how they shouldn't be allowed in the United States, or in the world, and then go on and say "I shouldn't have said it". Besides, in addition to being just plain idiotic, it shows that he only regrets his choice of words, and not the sentiments. Dumbass.

The other side of the coin... To all my gay friends, get over yourselves! The Snickers Superbowl ad was pulled from the airwaves, because it insulted "the gay community". Really, you guys have your own community? I'd love to see the Homeowners Association rules..... Kidding! But I'm not about the commercial! It didn't bash gays. It bashed homophobes. One would think you'd celebrate such a mocking, but noooooo! Oh, well, at least you've left me the joy of the Taco Bell lions.... "Carrrrrrrrrne. Sexy, like Ricardo Montalban...." "Carrrr.... Ricardo Montalban??"

Marilyn Monroe Jr.... Anna Nicole Smith tried to follow in the footsteps of her idol, Marilyn Monroe. Now, she's the ultimate copy cat. I say the baby is JFK's.... For heavens sake, just take some samples, refrigerate 'em, and toss her into the ground, already!!!

A personal rant on Bigmouth and Lilbigmouth... You made your own beds, now you have to lie in 'em. Too, fucking bad! Get over it. Accept the consequences of your actions, serve your punishment, and move on. Don't threaten those whose only offense was to be unfortunate enough to be around when you decided to develop verbal diarrhea. They were simply there. They did not decide to crucify you. Word got out, the "Powers That Be" found out, and contacted them. Not the other way around. They didn't start it. They didn't want any part of it. This is your fault, and your fault only. You caused trouble previously, were warned to keep your pie-holes shut. But you couldn't, could you? And now you've been told to go away. So, go away! You should be walking around with your heads bowed in abashment. But no! You're still flapping your lips, and shit is pouring out. Better check which end you're speaking from...

And it is merely through another misdeed (and a treacherous one, at that) that you even know who said witnesses are, so do something decent for once in your miserable, petty little lives and leave those folks alone. Threatening them will only make things worse for you when you come back. If you're allowed back....

Oh, yeah, tell your mentor to back the fuck off, too! She should be reeling in shame, hiding her face, or denying any relationship to you, now that her "girls" have gone and done wrong, not running about, holding whispering little confabs in dark corners, seeking support for retribution. Shame!! Shame on you, "E". The world, in general, is just coming around from thinking you're a crazy old witch, and you're starting up again. Shame!!!

Okay. I'm done. How was your day?