To Boldly Blow.....

Sheeps and I watched the William Shatner roast last night. Funny. Very crude. But hey, it was a roast, so crudity was expected. Very strange guest list, with only a couple of the old Enterprise crew on board, Nichelle Nichols and George Takei. Of course, the majority of jokes centered around Bill's particular acting style and his toupee.... Takei ("rhymes with toupee...") was hilarious, having "come out", and was roasted quite a bit himself ("Hard to say 'Glory Hole' with a Japanese accent...") Farah Fawcett proved she was not just anothe pretty face. No, wait. She was just another pretty face. Was. All of the gathered comedians joked about her swimsuit poster ("responsible for spilling more DNA than a lab tech with Parkinson's..."). And then there was the highlight of the evening. Or perhaps it was the lowlight.... Hearing sweet, old Betty White utter the words "cock ring". My poor psyche is scarred.....

Wild Weekend.

Sheeps already posted this, but it bears repeating, and is a good cause to boot.....

She and I visited the Big Cat Rescue in Tampa this weekend. We'd driven by it several times over the last few months, and we thought it'd be a nice thing to do one afternoon, but never really got around to it. Until this weekend. The winds finally blew the right way and we were able to go. It would've been a lot nicer were it a bit cooler, but it awesome, nonetheless.

The Big Cat Rescue is a sanctuary that rescues and houses wild cats from all over the world, everything from bobcats to lions and tigers. They have retired circus cats, cats rescued from abusive situations, fur farm rescues, and "pets" saved from owners who discovered that a great cat really isn't the pet they'd anticipated. They even have a cougar that the DEA found in a drug dealer's home, chained to a wall, to protect his heroin...

The problem with the tour is that all cats are cats. They all behave the same, no matter how big they are. Most cats sleep the majority of the day, and the big cats are no different. Most of the kitties were asleep, but it seems the larger they were, the more likely they were to come out and take a look at us...

The first cat we saw was a cougar named Scratch. He was asleep in his den, but poked his head out when we came by, and hauled himself out to see us. I say hauled, because it was a bit of an effort for him. He suffers from arthritis. Cat years are about 6 to every one of ours, and Scratch turned 29 in March. That's pretty old. He is the oldest cougar on record. Pretty neat way to start out.

We got to see a little Serval who came out of the den and growled quite fiercely (and loudly for such a little tyke), yet she was rubbing up against the enclosure as though she wanted for all the world to be petted. The guide said she was a little con artist, and would chomp into your arm the minute you reached in to pet her.

We got to see a black leopard (there are no such things as black panthers...) who was a circus performer. His "trainer" used to hit him on the head to get him to jump through a flaming hoop. So much so that his tear ducts are permanently damaged, and he constantly "cries". He also hates men. I can't really blame him. He was beautiful.

Moving along, we got to see snow leopards. Sort of. Not. We saw their enclosure. Since they come from a much colder climate, they can't really handle our summers. Their den is AC'd, so they rarely leave it. Don't really blame them either.

There was Cameron the lion and his girlfriend, Zabu, the white tiger. Yes, this is an unusual combination, but they were raised together in a roadside zoo, and when it was shut down, the staff at Big Cat Rescue could not bear to separate them.

We passed one of the few "non-cat" residents of the sanctuary, the Binturongs, or Bear Cats, and spotted one because of drool.... He was sleeping up in a tree, slung over two branches, and was so comfy that his mouth was wide open and his tongue lolling out.... and drooling. Lots. I mean a lot! Pretty amusing.

Thus, we came to the tigers. Some are circus retirees, and the circus pays their upkeep, which is great. They are gorgeous creatures. Absolutely. And large. It's amazing how large. Their paws were the size of dinner plates. Literally. They came out and "chuffed" at us. Ever hear a dog bark just after waking up? Kind of a half-hearted whoof? More like a heavy expulsion of air? That's what the tigers did. The guide said that's how they say hello. In the wild, that is how they would inform you that you are dinner. By the time you hear it, it is too late....

The most fierce creatures we ran across were the...... peacocks. Sheeps spotted a baby, lurking behind some benches, and we walked over to spot him. We did... and momma was very displeased. She headed our way, making very displeased sounds, and I suggested we move along quickly. Okay, I wasn't terribly afraid, but I didn't want to upset her any more than we already had.

Then came the best. At least my personal favorite. We came across a large enclosure that was being maintained; mowed and such. In the holding area in the back, was Shere Khan. Khan is a tiger who was born the wrong color; which is to say that he was the ordinary color, and not white. He was an attempt at breeding a white tiger, and came out normally. His owner was so upset that he kept him in a "pet taxi" for the first 4 months of his life. His rear legs were underdeveloped and he could hardly walk, and his teeth were rotted out of his mouth. The vet suggested that he be given a calcium treatment, and put in with another tiger that he could chase around and play with, hence, his mate, China Doll. She was an average sized tiger, with the huge paws, etc... The calcium treatment apparently worked, as Khan is HUGE. Whereas China Doll's paws were the size of dinner plates, his were the size of trays. She was tiny compared to him, barely coming up past his belly. I'm talking HUGE! Comparing their sizes would be like comparing a quarter horse to a Clydesdale. Big. And he came when called. And he was gorgeous.

I highly recommend this place to everyone. It's truly an educational experience, and will touch your heart. You'll learn a bit about the atrocities that occur out there, and some of the things that you can do to help. And you'll be helping to support the sanctuary. Oh, yeah.... Bring lots of cash for the gift shop... Go! You'll love it! It's a little expensive ($22 per person for the tour) but well worth it, and all income goes back into supporting the sanctuary.

Check out their website: www.bigcatrescue.org

Where in the world is.... Turtle Sandiego...?

So.... Last night at the bar, the Miller girls showed up. They weren't really scheduled, but we didn't have another promo, so "K" let them set up. They tend to be a little annoying, constantly asking for beers for their "taste challenge", but they are nice enough, and generally tip well.

Last time they showed up, they gave away a satellite radio receiver to the first bartender to sell 10 "buckets" (5 bottles of Miller Lite for $8). I wasn't anyway near close, and didn't really care, anyway. Last night, though, they were giving away a GPS to the first, and I did care. I got lost last weekend, and actually thought about getting one. I didn't, but I thought about it. And, being determined, I won. Yay!

My big win was brought about by a crew from a restaurant. There was 15 of them, and the "spokesperson" ordered 15 bottles of Bud Light. I talked him into the Miller Lite, as it was a much better deal. He bought two rounds, and asked me to keep the second in the cooler to keep cold. No prob.

No problem, that is, until the waitress started digging around in my cooler. "What are you doing??" "I need these." "You do not take beer out of my cooler! It messes up my inventory, and besides, those are already sold!" "Pffff! I'll replace them." And she walked off with 10 beers. I had to send my barback outside to the cooler to get another case, thus taking away from the time he could have been helping me serve drinks, and, hence, make more money.

I was perturbed. She couldn't understand why. At the end of the night, she approached me with a snotty attitude and asked, "What's the big deal?" I explained the big deal; that she took beer out of my cooler, which she is not allowed to do; that she took sold beer, so I was delayed serving my customer, which could affect my tip; she caused me to lose my barback for 10 minutes, in the busiest part of the night, so he and I both lost out on a lot of potential tips. She, apparently, didn't understand this.

"Fuck you!" was her oh, so adult response. I was not so polite in informing her that I would not partake of her diseased carcass were I threatened with death at gunpoint. Then she wanted to know why I didn't like her. So I told her. She's lazy. She steals my customers, as she'd rather sit behind my bar and take orders, instead of going out and working her tables. And I am tired of listening to her whine about how she doesn't make any money. When she is not being lazy and hanging out behind my bar, she can often be found sitting at a table with her friends. If she would get off her patoot a little, and actually do her job, she might actually make some money. I received another Einsteinian "Fuck you". "No thanks, I actually have taste and standards." Then, in a fit of complete un-reality, she convinced herself that I was joking, walked away saying "You really love me. I know you're just playing." No, I wasn't. I get a chance to be mean, and let someone have it with both barrels, and she doesn't believe me.... Sigh.

Oh, well, I won the contest anyway. Maybe next time, armed with my new GPS, I won't drive an hour out of my way.......