Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves

The economy is in the toilet. I didn’t need a failed $700 squillion bailout plan to tell me that. The $80 weekend at the bar was a pretty good indicator.

In times past, on a Game Day weekend, I could bank a small bundle. It was not far fetched for me to reel in $300-$400 for a 4-6 hour shift, after tip-outs. It’s not a bad gig, and is one of the reasons I still work at the bar. This past weekend was completely different. Yes, $80 was all I made, after a 7 hour shift. Granted, that is still more than $10 an hour, and a lot of people would be happy with that, but when you’re used to making a bare minimum of double that, it kind of sucks.

I usually get the best shifts, as I have the most seniority. Now, 12:30 games are not optimal, but there is usually a good drinking crowd before and after, so working through the game is usually best. So let it be with Turtle. I had a fairly inexperienced crew working with me, but then again, most of the employees are relatively new. We’ve had a spate of turnovers lately. It turned out to really not matter much at all.

It was slow. Very slow. Too slow to have 2 bartenders and a barback on at the front bar. Heck, one bartender could have handled it quite easily, and still been fairly bored. I don’t really blame management for not cutting anyone, as there was no way to tell if it would ever get busy or not.

There are several reasons why it was so slow. The Gators losing didn’t help much. In most college towns, if their team loses, folks go out and console themselves with drink. If their team wins, they go out and celebrate. Either way, they go out. Not so much, as far as Florida is concerned. Everyone goes home and mopes. The “after the game crowd” is minimal, at best.

Another reason is the economy. Why spend frivolously? Gas is almost $4 a gallon. Hotels are expensive. People just can’t afford to blow a couple hundred bills for a weekend of fun. Even those that are willing to spend tend to cut back in some areas, and tipping is usually the first area hit.

One of the biggest reasons we didn’t make any money, though, would be Little Miss “S”. She is one of the newest employees, and one of the most enthusiastic. This can be a good thing, under the right circumstances. It can also be very annoying to her coworkers. Y’see, “S” has a major problem with “Camping the Door”. She will hang out by the door and greet customers as they come in, and take their order. This means she’s taking the majority of the business in the bar. Let me put it this way: her sales were higher than any other employee at the bar, for any shift. In fact, she doubled what the three of us at the front bar sold in the same shift. She took home more than double in tips than what the three of us made combined. She was also supposed to “tip us out”, as we made all of her drinks (so we know, intimately, how much she was selling, and we weren’t…). After 40 minutes past the time our shifts ended, she still hadn’t reconciled her bank, and hence, how much she should tip us out. I ended up giving up waiting and stormed out, pissed off. (I got a message later that she’d left $10 for each of us – which is completely unacceptable. The standard is 20% of tips earned.)

The main reason I was pissed, beyond her, essentially, stealing from me, was the fact that she was also completely drunk. Trashed. Hammered. Were she a customer, she would have been cut off long ago. She was doing shots with all of her customers. Every time she’d ordered shots, she was having one too. And trust me, she’d ordered a LOT of shots. Yes, a shot or two during the course of a shift is allowed. A shot or twenty is not. This is not the first time she’s done this, either. In fact, it has become a rather regular occurrence on the nights she works. Not only is it morally bankrupt, it is a liability to the bar itself.

Oh, well. She no longer works there anyway. She torqued off far too many people and there were complaints from just about every person who worked there. She’d claimed that it was no big deal and that she’d only had a couple of shots, but that is complete hogwash, and the manager knew it. The tips are still going to be down for a while, due to the economy, but at least we don’t have to deal with her any longer.

So Glamorous!

Recently I mentioned the “glamour” of the bartender.

It is amazing how the media has glamorized the image of the bartender. Regardless of the fact that people go to bars and can see the ”less than shiny” side for themselves, they choose to believe the television and movie industry over their own eyes. They see what they want to see. They see a guy that gets to stand around and socialize with all manners of friends, cool crowds, and rub elbows with celebrities. He is a man that gets to ogle and speak with beautiful women all the time. It’s a job that isn’t at all hard or demanding, and all he needs to do is stand around and collect the big bucks.

Please allow me to burst the bubble - bartending is not glamorous. It is a job, and not such a fun one as some may think.

First and foremost, there is the fact that the bartender’s general clientele is inebriated, or involved in the effort of attaining said state. In other words, we deal with a lot of drunks. A LOT of drunks. They can be rude, obnoxious and downright insulting. On the other hand, they can be loving – generally too much so. They want to hug and tell you that you’re their best friend ever and that they love you. And they want you to return the favor. “I love you too… uh… pal.” And how many vomiting clients do you have to deal with every week? Unless you’re in the medical profession, not a bunch, I’m guessing. And the fighting. Alcohol always brings out the best in people… And the whole time, 20 different people are screaming your name, trying to get your attention.

That’s another thing… Your name. Hundreds of people know you. They all know your name, and you’re expected to remember all of theirs. In a college bar, wherein the customers rotate in and out, this is next to impossible. You try, and there are tricks you can use (starting a tab is always nice, as you’ve got their name on a credit card), but in truth, there are a whole lot of folks out there named Pal, Buddy, Partner, Boss and Sweetie, Darlin’, Beautiful and Dear.

Socializing? If you have time to socialize, you are not making money. If you’re making money (serving drinks), you don’t have time to socialize. Celebrities? I have served Ric Flair, and, theoretically, was serving Ryan Lochte last night, though I couldn’t point him out in a crowd. (And didn’t…) They rest are pseudo-celebs and wannabes. “I fight in the UFC!” No you don’t. Don’t know why that one is so popular lately…

The beautiful girls? They come in all forms. There are the sloppy drunks, and trust me, that is not at all attractive… There are the ones that are so “hawt” that they shouldn’t have to pay for anything, and look at you in horror when you tell them you money for that round of shots. There are the flirts. The girls who will wink and call you “Lover” and expect to get everything for free. And, a lot of the time, with some of the less than Einsteinian bartenders, they will. And some are really sweet, and yes, they are nice to talk to, on that rare occasion when you are not making any money. Some are not nearly has beautiful as they seem to think they are. The expression “My gawd, do you own a mirror?” is muttered almost every night. Just ‘cause it looks good on that size 2 model, doesn’t mean it’s going to look good on your size 16 body. Just sayin’. But you get to take so many of them home don’t you? Sure…. Even if I had the desire to, and free relationship status to do so, they leave the bar at 2, generally in some state of inebriation. I leave at 3:30, after sweating certain parts of anatomy off for 6-12 hours, smell like stale cigarettes and beer, and am completely sober. Don’t get the math? Try this then: go get really hammered, really late at night, then sit around for 2 hours alone, waiting on a friend to show up.

The job itself isn’t terribly demanding, but it can be hard. You sometimes work very long hours. You are constantly moving and hustling when it is busy. Try staying in constant motion in a 3’ x 40’ space for 6 hours. We’ll talk how easy it was afterwards. Oh, yeah, that keg needs to changed, while you’re at it…

The hours suck. Yes, the hours vary, but the best shifts are the ones when all your friends are out and having fun. Say goodbye to weekends.

And finally, the big bucks. The Moolah! Cha-ching! When it is busy, and you do your job well, and they economy isn’t completely tanked, you can take home quite a bit of paper. You’re going to have to work hard for it, but it is possible. But there is no guarantee. Some days it will be busy, and others, completely dead. You can never tell, and there is no rhyme or reason to it. And there is no sick or vacation time; no PTO. If you are not there, you don’t make money.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot to mention the “legalities”. You have to be doubly careful you don’t serve minors. Fake ID’s are very good these days, but the cops won’t care if that’s how they got in the door or not… And that guy that you cut off after his 4th drink, but was still getting drinks from his buddies? The one that sloshed behind the wheel and took out the school bus full of nuns holding orphans? Well, even if the “man” doesn’t decide to go after the bartender responsible, the nuns sure can, as well as the drunk that plowed ‘em.

Sounds like a blast, eh?

Bidnizz as usual

Okay, by night, I am a happy-go-lucky bartender, living life on the edge, chatting with pretty women, doing little to no work, and getting paid tons of money to not be doing it… Riiiiiiight. Sometimes, the image the outsider has of the bartender is a pretty ridiculous. It is most definitely not the glamour job.

However, it does beat the snot out of my day job, which can be, at best, described as boring. I process contracts for a natural gas provider. Yippee! Woooohoooo! Zzzzzzzz. Not really all that exciting, but the benefits are good, and it pays the bills. The call center is open until 9pm, so I tend to work until 9 most nights, to process any last minute contracts that may come in. The rates change constantly, so quoted prices can only be locked in for so long…

I just received a call from one of our Atlanta Reps (yes, I do their processing, as well…), wondering why I did not process a contract that came in last night, as the rate had expired. “M” is our Asian Rep, and is, as you might imagine, Asian.

“Why you no do this last night?!” “Whoa, there! Let me look it up! Ummm… because it was faxed in at 11:57pm??” “They own restaurant. Bad economy, no have fax at work. They close and go home and fax!” “Ummm, M? There’s no one here after 9pm. The building closes at 9.” “They no can fax at work! Bad economy!” “I understand that, M, but there’s nothing I can do. You’ll have to refresh the rate before I can process.” “I lose margin!!” (Aha, we come to the gist of the matter…) “Well, either you do that, or you’ll have to send them a new contract, with a possibly higher rate.” “I no tell them rate go up! They fax in on time! Why I lose margin?!” “There isn't a rate deadline anywhere on the contract, M. It only says a deadline of midnight in the program. Technically, the rate, for them, is only good until the end of 5 business days.” “But they no can send before midnight!” “M?” “What?!” “The rate on contract is good for 5 days. Why did they wait until the last minute of the 5th day to fax?” “I call “E”!” (My “team captain”) *click* Two minutes later, I get an email from “M”: Rate refreshed. Please to help process.

I love my job.